“The Greens believe the wonderfully sunny weather we’ve been enjoying in May is a bigger threat than terrorism. As you sunbathe on the beach you should reflect that you are under much greater threat from UV radiation and rising sea levels than from terrorists. That’s why a Greens government would save lives by switching our anti-terrorist forces to beach patrols and persuading the terrorists to fight global warming through switching their operational policy to a cold war. And by the way Sarah Hanson Young is developing a brilliant new policy to house tens of thousands of asylum seekers through the redevelopment of all the power stations we plan to shut down into apartment blocks”
In this week’s typically insightful article ‘Politics as Usual’ A Hole questions whether it would make the slightest bit of difference whether Malcolm or Bill wins the election because it would take the Greens to make things a whole lot worse.
“I now plan to contest the Presidential election under the Palmer United Party banner. The world best practice closure techniques that Clive has applied to the Palmer Coolum Resort, the Dinosaur Park, Gold Coast United, his parliamentary seat and Queensland Nickel have inspired me to plan closure of the Southern Border with Mexico, the Republican Party, the Clintons, all contact with the outside world and country’s immigration programme. When I’ve accomplished all that I’ll close down Clive and become the PUP’s new owner”
In this week’s article in his Public Bar Politics series Fred Plodge explains why he could find a better Prime Minister than Malcolm or Bill simply by touring public bars throughout Australia.
“I deserve to be PM of Australia after my focused single-minded campaign to clear away all the obstacles in my path which has included stabbing Julia and Kevin, knocking off Tony and now I’m about to knock off Malcolm. I invite all Australians to join with me in building a great nationwide union because the AWU could do with an increase in their membership fees”
In this week’s interview in the acclaimed Dick Head Interview series he discusses with Scott Morrison whether the budget process has outlived its usefulness.
“The budget is a total shambles. The only way back to economic prosperity is my policy of bank bashing. After the banks have been found to be profoundly anti-working families as PM I shall transfer all their money to the unions which will be restructured as credit unions. The next logical step will be the replacement of the Reserve Bank by the ACTU and there probably won’t be any point in continuing with the annual budget because it’s a foregone conclusion that not having produced a surplus since 1989 Labor is consistently on the right track”
Don’t miss Guy’s absorbing account of the last conversation between Malcolm and Scott before the Budget was released. This was obviously the reason Bill Shorten has been so desperate to get an advance copy of this week’s Friday Mash.
Following a series of Labor thought bubbles over the past twenty years relating to a second Sydney airport at Badgery’s Creek which have all gone pop, Bill Shorten is fighting back against Tony’s decision to actually do something about it by emitting a thought bubble of unprecedented dimensions. In order to minimise the risk of noise pollution Bill has proposed that only airships should be allowed to land there. Experts have dismissed the idea as a load of hot air.
In this week’s edition of compelling insights into Australian politics Channel 9’s operations in Lebanon come under scrutiny and in particular whether the next series of one of their popular shows will be produced over there and renamed The Cell Block.
“I should like to take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that Tony is not my lovechild but rather he’s an absolute bastard. And if he’s in a state of suspense over how I’ll react to my dumping he now knows how the Labor Party felt when I was Speaker”
Australia’s leading social commentator comes up with some timely advice to Malcolm and Scott on why it’s impossible to make spending cuts in the budget that are fair to everyone.
“If the UK votes for Brexit life for the Poms could get tough. So as a contingency measure I have prepared the Adopt-a-Pom programme. This will enable every Australian to come to the aid of a Pom who is struggling post-Brexit with essential humanitarian aid like Kylie Minogue CDs, Chinese takeaway and bum-warmers. Please keep in mind that if we don’t take such radical steps to maintain Pom living standards the blighters could fly over here in their millions to visit the rellies, stay on as economic refugees and put back the development of our multicultural society by years”
If you’re intrigued by the prospect of Bill becoming PM but not being delegated any power by the ACTU don’t miss the compelling The ACTU – Brother Bill’s Keeper series starting this week.
“I should like to remind any Liberal Party members who are planning to vote against me in the pre-selection ballot for my seat that I know where you all live and you should keep in mind that Peta Credlin once took out an AVO against me. What’s more if I lose pre-selection I shall still stand in the federal election as a candidate for the Helicopter Enthusiasts Party.
This week’s Friday Mash carries the first article in the gripping new Abbott the Avenger series which will reveal exclusively how Abbott, inspired by the peerless plotting of Kevin, plans to avenge himself against the heartless hegemony of Malcolm.
“Now Malcolm I should like to take this opportunity to absolutely assure you that you have my complete support for your economic policy, your plan for Australia to become a Republic, introducing gay marriage and an ETS and winning the election. Ha ha April Fool!”
In his compelling column this week Fred Plodge, Australia’s leading public bar politician, describes his plans to launch the Public Bar Political Party and sweep to electoral success through unprecedented binge voting.
“I have to report that Malcolm and I are making positive progress towards the budget on May 3rd. So far we’ve decided not to increase the GST, not to reduce personal tax, not to mess around with negative gearing and superannuation, not to bail out Clive, not to have a major overhaul of the tax system and not to do anything that would spoil our chances of being re-elected. We haven’t finally decided yet whether we’re going to have a budget at all but it’s difficult to declare a deficit without one”
This week’s Friday Mash carries the first article in the Abbott The Avenger series. It reveals that due to lack of public support Abbott vengeance against Malcolm is not likely to happen before the election and probably not after it either unless Malcolm stuffs it.
“I would like to take this opportunity to deny that Tony and I treated the prime minister’s role as a gender equality partnership. The secret of our success was that he was a much better opposition leader so I let him get on with it but when it became apparent that he was a hopeless prime minister I obviously had to step up. And as for the rumour that we had an affair the truth is we only ever had a couple of knights together and they were a total disaster”
In his Public Bar Politics article this week Fred Plodge the doyen of Australian public bar commentators hypothesises that until Malcolm confirms the time of the Budget, the tax reform plan and the election we won’t know whether this is a great time to be living in Australia.
“I admit I made mistakes during my time in Ballarat. For example I failed to recognise the need for sex instruction classes for priests. The other problem was my lack of awareness of what goes on around me, in fact I’ve only just realised what a lot of Catholicism goes on in the Vatican. I must say however I’ve been very distressed by comments that a heart condition isn’t a valid excuse for not flying to Australia when it applies to someone as heartless as me”
A Hole Comments this week on this vital question that is worrying both the Coalition and Labor and concludes that if Malcolm makes as big a mess of things as Kevin, Julia and Tony a Trump-like figure is likely to emerge promising to build a wall along the North Coast of Australia and persuade Indonesia to pay for it.
“I would strongly welcome your unequivocal expressions of support for my campaign to succeed Ban Ki-Moon as UN Secretary General. It would be especially helpful if you could confirm that Pink Batts wasn’t my fault and the character assassination of me by Julia and half the Labor Party was merely an application of programmic specificity to the party leadership selection process.
Please send your glowing testimonials to the Kevin 17 Campaign, United Nations, 1st Avenue, New York.
If you haven’t got the slightest idea you can be reassured by this week’s edition of Fly on the Wall that Tanya and Albo haven’t got the slightest idea either.
“I’m amazed at the recycled human wreckage that passes for politicians in Australia. They’re no better than the Bushes and the Clintons. Malcolm’s like a beach-hut with an attractive front but nothing at the back, Bill’s about as relevant as half-time at a football match, the Greens resemble a political wreckers yard and Clive’s like me before I started taking medication. Barnaby shows promise but spends too much time trying to be a politician”
“I’m absolutely delighted to welcome Barnaby as my Deputy particularly as there isn’t a hope in hell of him ever nicking my job. It’s true we have policy differences especially in the area of climate change where I strongly disagree with his assertion that blowing smoke up people’s arses is the best way to reduce carbon emissions but as far as Barnaby and I are concerned you’ll just have to take the rough with the smooth”
Having locked himself away in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London for three and a half years on a daily diet of arroz con pollo Julian still seems reluctant to take up the offer of a transfer to the American Embassy where he could be well and truly in the leak soup for a change.
This week’s Friday Mash carries a full account of last week’s Focus Group session on whether spending fifteen million dollars on the refurbishment of The Lodge was a worthwhile expenditure of taxpayer money or the result of yet another Captain’s Pick by Tony.
“I should have been Australian of the Year for a change”
In this week’s riveting account of another Think Tank session you can follow the intense discussion about whether to offer Tony the chance to rebuild his political career by becoming Deputy Leader of the Jacqui Lambie Network.
“Recalcitrant members of the Liberal Party who are trying to pinch my seat should be warned that I’m determined to nip all such attempts in the butt and they’ll either find themselves hitting rock bottom or getting their fingers burned on a red-hot date and end up feeling an absolute arse”
This week Fred Plodge discusses the looming threat to democracy if it is no longer allowed to flourish in its traditional public bar environment.
“It’s an absolute scandal that the Immigration authorities have allowed so many foreigners to come and play at the Australian Open without rigorously checking whether they’ve got links to terrorism. We shouldn’t be exposed to the threat of foreigners blowing up during matches like Tomic and Kyrgios”
Friday Mash readers will have full access to the findings of our new Focus Group research studies overseen by our Research Director Felicity Farthardly.
The findings of the first study are published today and won’t be a surprise to anyone who believes Bill Shorten is better suited to running a union than the country.
“The Nick Xenophon Team is designed to succeed where Clive, Jacqui, Ricky Muir and the Brick With Eyes have all failed and become a political pain-in-the-arse capable of bringing government in this country to a complete standstill. If you’re disillusioned by all the government mistakes of the past vote for us and make the exciting switch to a leading government mistake of the future”
Many leading figures in Australia are learning how beneficial it can be to Dial Triple O for Malcolm in times of need. This week you can read how Malcolm comes up with a brilliant idea to blame Bill Shorten for everything, even Tanya Plibersek and Penny Wong.
“It is wrong to believe that the Royal Commission Report is all bad news for unions. I’m extremely confident for example that it will lead to a significant increase in employment opportunities for members of the Prison Warders’ Union”
For many years public bars have been the source of premier quality political commentary in Australia.
Friday Mash is delighted to announce we have acquired the services of Fred Plodge, one of our most celebrated public bar commentators, to write a regular column for us.
His debut article in this edition argues that the future of unions lies in pubs.
“The Coalition’s popularity in the polls is solely due to their decision to dump Abbott. Our problem is that if we dumped Bill no-one would give a stuff”
This week’s Friday Mash contains what the government has been waiting for; Dick Head’s forecasts for 2016. Now perhaps we can expect Malcolm to get down to some serious preparations for the Budget and the Federal Election.
We hope something really terrific happens to you in 2016.
Alisdair Blackman and Roger Pugh
“What impact will the Paris Climate Summit have on Australia?”
“As a developed nation we’ll have to reduce carbon emissions till 2050 by which time our economy will be in such a mess that we’ll be reclassified as a developing nation and allowed to start increasing carbon emissions again”
In this week’s Friday Mash you can not only read the PM’s inspiring message of goodwill to all mankind but also an ancient Christmas Tayle that will awaken within you the True Spirit of Christmas.
Friday Mash will be on Christmas Holiday next week but hopefully our recuperative powers will enable a renaissance for New Year.
Have a Very Happy Christmas.
Alisdair Blackman and Roger Pugh
“Why did you defect to the Nationals?”
“Because I’d gone from being a Captain’s Pick under Tony to a Spare Prick under Malcolm”
In this week’s edition of the Bill Shorten; His Year of Ideas series you can read how Bill makes one last heroic attempt to finally come up with one.
“One was astonished to learn that the Turnbull person one met at CHOGM is a leading Australian Republican”
“Well at least he won’t lumber me with any more of those bloody silly titles”
Dick Head’s Special Report exclusive to Friday Mash brings you the very latest weather forecasts from the Summit for the rest of this century.
“I must say Barack it’s hard to imagine anything worse than a country suffering eight years under George W Bush”
“Oh I don’t know Malcolm just imagine a country suffering eight excruciating years under a combination of Kevin, Julia and Tony”
Obama and Putin don’t want to put boots on the ground in Syria so Malcolm tells them where to put them.
“I am pleading with Australia not to become a Republic before my husband becomes your Monarch. He’s been in training for the position for sixty-three years and now he’s finally about to graduate it would be so unfair if he was made redundant before he got a crack at it.
Furthermore Malcolm has made it absolutely clear that there would be no alternative career options for him in an Australian Republic”
Jacqui’s Think Tank makes a major contribution to the national debate on taxation.
In this week’s article you can read how Jacqui and the Think Tank come up with a brilliant idea to help Tasmania overcome their economic disadvantage imposed by the Greens.
From those wonderful people who brought you the Work Choices scare campaign, the GST scare campaign, the empty dams and rising sea levels scare campaign, the turn-back-the-boats scare campaign and the Tony Abbott scare campaign now comes the GST scare campaign mark II plus the scariest scare campaign of them all, Bill for Prime Minister.
In this week’s inspiring article read how Malcolm relieved the financial pressures on state premiers through persuading them to look upon the GST as loaves and fishes.
“Now that rugby is the game they play in heaven I propose that the All Blacks should play the champion team from up there for the Rugby Universe Cup. It would be a tough challenge for the All Blacks because the teams in heaven play with a great spirit and the gods are always on their side”
If you are spending increasingly interminable hours commuting to Sydney CBD you’ll find this week’s Pugh Perspective recognises your plight but offers no hope whatsoever of things improving.
This colourful couple are recreating the Bonnie and Clyde legend through a stunning series of union scandals, expenses blowouts, disputed wills, bankruptcies, real estate deals, divorces, suss sick leave, pulsating passions, secret recordings, whistleblowing and courtroom dramas. They’re already a bigger reality tv hit than the Kardashians.
Australia’s foremost anally orientated social commentator pleads for an expert to explain climate change calmly and rationally without labelling people deniers and sceptics or threatening them with dreadful weather.
“When I’m Prime Minister I’ll solve the economic crisis by covertly charging all companies for government services. They’ll be required to make discreet cash payments in envelopes to Peter Garrett because he’ll probably mistake them for Christmas cards”
“I am desperately seeking a new position for an ex-prime minister with a peerless reputation as a world-class nuisance.
Utterly compelling references are available from Julia, Kevin and myself.
Please note he is not available for positions in the union movement”
Bill’s relentless pursuit of an idea continues this week in Friday Mash with an account of how he believes he has come up with a breakthrough concept to achieve the impossible by making himself just as popular up against Malcolm as he was up against Tony.
“Just because Hillary gained work experience when she was at the White House with Bill doesn’t mean she’s more qualified than me to be President. In fact Monica seemed much more attuned to the demands of the Oval Office”
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was actually on a nearby wall when Malcolm caught up with Tony to talk about a spill. This week’s article in the Fly on the Wall series gives a rivetingly exclusive account of their discussion.
“Don’t believe all that crap politicians tell you about the poll on election day being the only one they care about. I couldn’t believe how deeply they cared about the thirtieth Newspoll I lost in succession”
Don’t miss the first article in a compelling new Friday Mash series that records how a revolutionary new government service is bringing access to Malcolm’s legendary omniscience within the reach of every citizen.
Malcolm says “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them and now there’s a whole new kind of greatness like me that Shakespeare could never have anticipated”
The Pugh Perspective this week argues that we’re nowhere near getting the prime ministers we deserve and unless we take urgent steps to redress the situation we could find ourselves threatened with a PM takeover by people inspired by Donald Trump like for example a rejuvenated Clive or even worse.
This woman has now been unfaithful to Brendan Nelson with Malcolm, unfaithful to Malcolm with Tony and unfaithful to Tony with Malcolm. And she’s good at foreign affairs as well.
In this week’s inspiring article in the Think Tank series you can read how Jacqui and her team come up with a solution for resettling Syrian refugees in middle east Tasmania.
If you opt to follow the worldwide trend and support the concept of non-politicians like Ged Kearney and Dave Oliver running the country all you’ve got to do is vote for Bill Shorten as prime minister at the next election.
The definitive answer to this most intriguing of political questions is revealed in this week’s Leaks from Tony’s Journal together with the revelation that the only thing besides Joe standing between him and prime ministerial greatness is the rest of his cabinet.
It all comes down to a perception of this man’s integrity against that of the union movement. Now you understand how difficult it is not to be biased.
This week The Pugh Perspective provides answers to the questions that everyone is asking about Tony’s future. It argues that Tony’s operating style as prime minister points unequivocally to his immense potential as a rugby coach.
Inside sources have confirmed that Australian immigration authorities have been instructed not to prevent this citizen flying out of the country especially if he’s booked to go to Syria.
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Julie’s office when Joe and Malcolm came in for a confidential chat about Tony. You can read Guy’s exclusive account of their compelling discourse only in this week’s Friday Mash.
Two gay guys getting married.
One says ‘The way things have turned out I think it’s just as well that we decided not to invite Tony’
This week’s compelling article discusses whether Bill can still pull a new idea or two out of the fire in 2015, whether he will try to make do by re-cycling second-hand ideas from Julia and Kevin which bombed the first time round or whether he will give up and postpone the whole thing till 2016.
Only now is it coming to light that but for his unfortunate demise Cecil the Lion would have been a prime candidate to replace Bronnie as Speaker.
His peerless qualifications for the job included a Bachelor of Law of the jungle, consummate politician-taming skills and the extremely modest travel entitlement needed to cover a daily return trip between Parliament House and Canberra Zoo.
This week’s article in the Jacqui’s Think Tank series reveals how her innovative policy on gay marriage was inspirationally evolved and why she isn’t likely to be any luckier with this type of marriage than the other sort.
Official sources have revealed that the government is planning to recognise Bronnie’s epic Melbourne-Geelong helicopter flight as a landmark event in the nation’s history.
Bronnie would be invited to re-enact the flight annually on its anniversary to be greeted by cheering throngs at a Geelong fundraiser.
The fund-raising target would be $5,227 to pay for chartering the helicopter.
Of all the many epic Abbattman missions this one is arguably his most daring. In this week’s exciting account of the mission you can read whether he succeeds in a breath-takingly brilliant plan to recruit another woman for the Coalition.
Official sources have confirmed that the salvos fired at Tony Abbott from the Labor Party Conference didn’t hit their target.
Following advice from security experts the Prime Minister had moved out of range as a precautionary measure.
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was positioned on a wall at the Leaders Retreat to bring our readers a unique perspective on their deliberations.
In this week’s article you can read exclusively how the Leaders used the Retreat as an opportunity to be backwards in going forwards.
Friday Mash is delighted to announce that Polly Tickle, Australia’s leading commentator on the private lives of US politicians, has agreed to write a regular column for us on the US presidential election. The column launches this week with an interview with Donald Trump in which he explains why despite the fact that he frequently suffers a brain tsunami his toupée never falls off.
The Tony Award for the worst performance by a Labor leader at a Royal Commission goes to Bill Shorten.
In the latest series of sensational leaks from Tony’s Journal you can read about how closely aligned he and Malcolm are on all matters except the timing of his departure and who should replace him.
‘It’s simply scaremongering by the EU who are following the disgraceful example of Abbott and Hockey’
Read how Abbattman went about convincing Mark Snott to keep his balance at the ABC rather than allowing himself to be tipped off balance by people as whacky as Zaky.
A Hole, Australia’s most anal social commentator, raises the question of whether the Coalition and Labor have given up on ever finding another great prime minister and are prepared to make do with the likes of Tony and Bill.
This week Tony describes how he is dealing with Joe’s aspiration to promote gaffes into not merely an artform but also a key tool of government. Joe fervently believes that it’s time to try a new approach because the government’s current focus on a gaffe-free administration just doesn’t seem to be working.
Don’t miss this week’s article in the Franglais series which contains a full account of Alexis Tsipras’ interview with Friday Mash’s distinguished EU correspondent Hugo Morthanigo in which he explains how Greece’s future prosperity doesn’t depend on their own economy but rather on everybody else’s.
If you are still in the process of making up your mind about gay marriage don’t miss this week’s article in the Jacqui’s Think Tank series because you’ll be reassured to find that even the great political minds of our time are in a similar state.
This week Abbattman goes on his 100th mission. This is an impressive milestone for Tony Abbott’s alter ego who has built such an impressive reputation as the people’s hero. It is only fitting that he reaches his century by once again confronting one of his traditional targets Wayne Goose in yet another major strike for the forces of the righteous and the Right.
Just in case you didn’t notice last week Friday Mash has formed an association with the capital city of conversation The Big Smoke and once again we are featuring the very best of their current articles.
‘Are you concerned about the shortage of ice at the North Pole?’
‘You bet I am, it’s hell living up here if you’re not on drugs’
Friday Mash’s ground-breaking series Bo and Big O reaches its hundredth article this week. This unique canine perspective on the Obama presidency could only come from someone like Bo who spends his life sniffing round the White House.
This week marks the start of Friday Mash’s association with The Big Smoke, the capital city of on-line conversation. Every week for your added entertainment Friday Mash will bring you the very best features from the site of pre-eminent public opinion. We hope you enjoy them and we encourage you to visit The Big Smoke for more compelling conversation.
Please note that Richard di Natale has replaced Christine Milne as the head of the asylum.
Once you’ve read Dick Head’s brilliant budget analysis published in this week’s Friday Mash you will be able to amaze your friends with your incredible insight into how Scott Morrison stepped in and managed to save Tony and Joe from having to contract the job out to Peter Costello
Only by reading the latest in the Indiana Joe and the Raiders of the Lost Surplus series will you be truly equipped to understand what the hell Joe is rabbiting on about on May 12th and whether it would be prudent to leave the country before it happens.
‘Is it the Scottish National Party’s policy to cause disruption outside the UK as well’
‘Certainly, we’ve got activists planted all over the world like Doug Cameron in Australia’
Only in this week’s Friday Mash can you read about how Abbattman goes on a highly charged mission to convince the WA premier Darnit that he’s head of a charitable organisation supporting SA and Tassie.
‘Are you sure that’s not Joe Hockey in a last-minute bid in London to improve the budget bottom-line’
This week’s article in the Bo and Big O series reveals all you’ve ever wanted to know about Obama’s real feelings towards Hillary but were too sensitive or too overwhelmed by all gushing media coverage he gets to ask.
The Great Issue Facing this Nation featured in the Weak in Politics this week is “Who would you choose to run the country instead of politicians?” Do not miss this opportunity to make your opinion count in shaping the very future of the nation.
Immigration authorities are on full alert to prevent this activist cleric from re-entering Australia. He went overseas last year to take up a key role in the HQ of an extreme religious organisation.
In case you’re still worried about whether you cast your vote wisely in the NSW Election once you’ve read Dick Head’s final article in his NSW Election CamPain 2015 series you’ll realise that since there’s no chance of you being blamed for Fred Nile or the Greens forming the next government it doesn’t really matter.
If you don’t want to be blamed for voting for the wrong party in the NSW election whatever you do don’t miss this week’s article in Dick Head’s celebrated NSW Election CamPain 2015 series. No-one could possibly blame you for getting it wrong after you’ve been misled by an expert like Dick.
“Is your Treasurer really for sale?”
“He will be if his second budget’s as big a disaster as his first”
If you’re as confused and confounded by the NSW Election as everyone else it will come as a great relief to read Dick Head’s latest expert CamPAIN analysis and find he’s even more disturbed than you are.
This week the exclusive leaks from Tony’s journal are an absolutely riveting read about the problems he’s having with Joe and why he feels it would be an even bigger burden for him to carry if Malcolm was Treasurer.
“If you become New South Wales Premier, will you draw on the achievements of the previous state Labor governments?”
“Yes the ICAC have promised to give me a complete briefing”
Dick Head’s eagerly awaited series of articles on the NSW Election start today. NSW Election CamPAIN 2015 brings you insights into the mind-numbing madness between Son of Bambi and Luddite Luke that only someone who has spent most of his life in a political asylum could possibly dredge up.
Whatever you do don’t think of casting your vote before getting the definitive Dick Head perspective.