“I have been asked by the international community if we could offer a suitable location down here where Assad could go into exile. They stipulated it had to be a remote forgotten place beyond the reach of modern civilisation where he would have no access to power. I nominated South Australia”
“I’m sorry but I can’t bring myself to praise anything that Trump does so I strongly disagree with his decision to bomb Assad’s airbase. The Greens prefer Obama’s approach of warning Assad not to cross the red line in case Trump happens to be President”
Does Pauline need a facelift?
In this week’s landmark edition of PaulinePower James suggests to Pauline that it’s time she modernised her image but she believes her supporters would be too far behind the times to appreciate it.
Raising the Temperature in the US
In this week’s edition of Making America Grate Again Trump and his team discuss whether he’s having a bigger effect on global warming than the greenhouse effect.
I desperately try to give Malcolm the benefit of this wisdom but he’s too pig-headed to absorb the enlightenment that could raise his game beyond belief.
Our country desperately needs the inspiration that only I can bring. Please do your bit to Make Australia Great Again by emailing Malcolm to implore him to heed my advice and ensure that Shorten, Triggs, climate change, gay marriage, the ABC, the republic, 18C, budget deficits and asylum seekers are all assigned to the trash-cans of Kevin and Julia where they belong together with Pink Batts and the mining tax ”
Pauline got switched off in WA but is confident of her Power being switched back on in Queensland. This week’s article in the PaulinePower series reveals her plans to generate more carbon emissions than South Australia.
They failed to support my courageous low carbon energy policy when they saw which way the wind wasn’t blowing.
Surely you don’t have to be Bob Brown to appreciate how my energy policy can save mankind and it’s about time Malcolm realised that we’re absolutely desperate for him to produce a top-up of toxic carbon emission-creating energy for SA because the supply of renewable solar power shining out of his backside is nowhere near sufficient”
In this week’s absorbing episode of Luce Talk Malcolm asks Lucy for advice on cabinet making.
“It’s time for a shakeup at the ABC because the board has finally woken up to the fact that hardly anyone under 65 is taking any notice.
I should like to stress however that our brilliantly successful all-women line-up for Women’s Day does not mean we’ll ever go as far as an all-Coalition line-up to celebrate Equal Rights Day.
Given my determination to maintain a complete cross-section of political views at the ABC it is worrying that the influx of great talent from the Labor Party like Barry Cassidy and Kerry O’Brien seems to have dried up. I shall therefore take all necessary steps in consultation with Bill Shorten and the ACTU to prevent our rigorously fair political coverage becoming dominated by the Greens”
The Power of Public Bar Politics
In this week’s compelling article in the Public Bar Politics series Fred Plodge asserts that public bars are the true home of Trumpism in Australia.
“People often ask me why there are many more wets in Malcolm’s cabinet than dries. I can reveal it’s because I’m much more effective at pissing into the tent than pissing out”
Making America Grate Again
This week’s article in the landmark series explains why Trump and his team are concerned that he came across as Presidential in his address to Congress because itcould have destroyed the image that they’ve worked so hard to establish.
“The Greens in NSW are committed to a progressive new anti-capitalist form of government similar to Russia under Stalin but with the exciting additional policies of unlimited refugees and a carbon tax at $100 a tonne”
This week’s article in the sensational new series reveals how Pauline is planning for One Nation to replace the Nationals in Coalition with Malcolm.
“It’s an absolute outrage that Bill Shorten has been called a parasite and a sycophant. In no way does he deserve to be compared with the world-class parasites and sycophants in my administration. I can assure you they’ve done far more to qualify for that status than merely shove their knees under some billionaire’s table in Melbourne”
PaulinePower for PM
This week’s article in the sensational new series explains how Pauline is preparing to exert PMPower.
I regret to inform you that the Trump hysteria epidemic sweeping the world has now started to infect Australia. This highly contagious disease can be contracted merely by reading the Sydney Morning Herald or switching on ABC television. There is no known cure but psychological research has found that lying back and thinking about what has happened to Clive can offer hope and help alleviate the distress”
Study the results of the landmark global research study published exclusively in this week’s edition of Friday Mash.
“My aim is to develop a strong relationship with Trump but something now seems to be coming between us. He thinks he’s got me up against a wall but I’m no wallflower and I’m determined to prevent our relationship going to the wall. And if he thinks I’m going to pay for his wall he must have me confused with Wall St.”
Feel the full impact of PaulinePower
The second article in this utterly compelling series reveals how Pauline reacted to being omitted from the Australia Day Honours List.
“Friday Mash has kindly invited me to give an exclusive eyewitnessaccount of the Trump inauguration. It reminded me of Bernie Sanders being preferred to Tom Brady as the Patriots’ quarterback for the Super Bowl or a serial sex offender being appointed as head of a girls’ finishing school, it was like watching the National Rifle Association being given responsibility for tightening gun laws or Al Capone being made head of security at Fort Knox. I was so moved I went home and set fire to the new curtains I’d bought for the Oval Office”
Friday Mash is appointed the official Australian media outlet of the Trump administration
The first article in the officially sanctioned new series Making America Grate Again appears exclusively in this edition of Friday Mash.
Friday Mash urges you to observe a minute’s silence on this landmark day in history to reflect on the America we all knew and loved soon to be lost forever.
It is the end of American politics as a non-contact sport, the end of left-wing loonyism as a protected politically correct species, the start of government through one hundred and forty characters at a time, the start of putting the US first and Russia second and the realisation that the world will henceforth comprise just two types of people, Americans and foreigners
Feel the PaulinePower
The PaulinePower series launches today in Friday Mash giving our readers exclusive access to the progress of a phenomenon that experts are predicting will be an even bigger threat to the Australian political system than the Greens or the other independents in the Senate.
“I can now reveal that Trump is a Russian sleeper agent who was activated for the Presidential election and spurred on to victory by my brilliant hacking campaign. His wife Melania who comes from the dedicated Marxist-Leninist Knavs family in Slovenia is head of our clandestine operations in the US and Trump’s controller. With this one inspired diplomatic master-stroke I shall put an end to any thoughts of a cold war, ensure that China gets sandwiched between the two of us, give the world a break from climate change and triple vodka exports to the US”
More fascinating Luce Talk
In this week’s edition of this absolutely compelling series Lucy reveals her anguish that incredibly Malcolm isn’t being recognised as Australia’s greatest-ever Prime Minister because the special sort of greatness he brings to the job sadly seems beyond the capacity of most people to appreciate.
“Of course I could have won a third Presidential term. I am the only President in history who has achieved a 40% increase in food stamp distribution and was well on my way to delivering the economic conditions that would bring this great benefit to all Americans. I harbour a dream that one day as UN Secretary General I’ll achieve eating equality across the whole world through a global food stamp distribution scheme. What’s more I’m confident of doing a worldwide deal with McDonalds that delivers double value for food stamps redeemed on Mondays”
A message from the US President-Elect
Donald Trump has chosen this week’s edition of Friday Mash to reassure all Australians that he hasn’t forgotten about them because he didn’t know they existed in the first place.
“Australia is faced with a major challenge. Who is going to save us from Malcolm, Labor, the Greens, the ABC, asylum seekers and Gillian Triggs?
It won’t be Trump because he’s got his hands full with the US nor will it be Pauline because no-one outside Queensland can understand what the hell she’s rabbiting on about.
So in my humble dissembling sort of way I’ve decided it will be me. As leader of the Australian Majority I will take the bold decisions this country desperately needs like replacing Tony Jones on Q&A with Andrew Bolt, transferring the independents in the Senate into psychiatric care, extending Operation Sovereign Borders right round Australia, knocking down Canberra and replacing it with something that works better, postponing climate change until we can afford it and making Tony Abbott the Head of the Human Rights Commission”
The Weak in Politics
At this time of year when all the other publications tend to slack off and take their eye off world politics you can rest assured that Friday Mash has not relented in its uncompromising pursuit of the global issues and events that really matter and they’re all featured as usual in this week’s edition of The Weak in Politics.
Happy New Year
“I’m absolutely thrilled that the polls are showing the Christmas Party is currently much more popular than either the Liberal orLabor Party. And furthermore we’ve become much more popular than the Cocktail Party because we don’t mind as much if people get pissed at parties.The fact that we’re even less popular than One Nation among Middle Eastern immigrants seems grossly unfair because ‘goodwill to all men’ is one of our core policies.
Surprisingly leaders of other parties like Malcolm and Bill are seen more as real people than me but I’m the only one who gets invited to do a six-week goodwill gig at David Jones. And while the Christmas Party only generates active support for one month every year the other parties only manage it once every three years at election time. Merry Christmas.
In a heart-warming article in the famous Friday Mash Whogivesashit series world leaders reveal exclusively their innermost feelings about Christmas and whether they truly giveashit about it or not.
“My fellow citizens, the nation’s economic outlook for 2017 looks decidedly dodgy. Trump’s wall will have a disastrous impact on the people smuggling and drug trafficking sectors of our economy. On the other hand the wall will be a godsend in preventing our country being swamped by hordes of US refugees fleeing the tyranny of Trump. And if Trump actually believes that we are going to pay for his damned wall he must have been smoking one of our high quality exports”
Don’t miss this week’s compelling Letter to the Editor
Cec Poole one of our most trenchant contributors explains why he can’t wait for the opportunity to vote for an Aussie Trump as Prime Minister just so long as it isn’t Pauline Hanson.
“I was very proud of the Greens’ supporters who invaded the House of Representatives, glued themselves to the fixtures, made a total pain-in-the-arse of themselves and disrupted parliamentary business. This is just the sort of initiative desperately needed to strengthen parliamentary democracy in this country. It provided exciting new directions for myself and my colleagues on how to conduct ourselves in the Senate although the normal standard of debate in there isn’t likely to glue us to our seats”
The failures of Operation Sovereign Blockers
This week’s article in the controversial series reports on the Blockers’ meeting where they discussed their failure to block the backpacker tax, the ABCC and changes to super in the Senate and whether this indicated that some of them had been secretly subverted by Malcolm.
“I have decided in future to announce One Aberration Parliamentary Party meetings through Friday Mash rather than on the TV news. All you Party Senators should know where my office is so please pop in on Monday for a meeting about tackling the threat to Queensland’s cultural heritage posed by the influx of immigrants from Victoria. If any Friday Mash readers know any One Aberration Senators I’d be grateful if you’d pass the message on. In case any of you Senators can’t remember where my office is located it’s the one with the asylum seeker graffiti all over the door”
“I’ve just had my first phone conversation with President-elect Trump and I found him to be utterly charming, gracious, considerate and statesman-like. Lucy has suggested I urgently need to take a few days rest because I could be experiencing a recurrence of the hallucinations I suffered over Kevin’s ute”
Believe it or not there’s a chance that the Trump Presidency could benefit someone.
In our landmark series about the most critical Whogivesashit Issues of our time Friday Mash’s distinguished team of global correspondents offer hope that the Trump Presidency won’t be the end of American civilisation whatever that eventually turns out to be.
Confidential sources in Washington are reporting that Trump has opened negotiations with the Chinese Government to purchase the Great Wall of China. It would save him building another one from scratch and he’s assured the Chinese that the Mexican Government will pay to have it shipped to the Southern Border and reassembled. In response to questions from a Friday Mash correspondent about whether Mexican tourists would be able to walk along the wall Trump indicated that he’s ok with that as long as they both enter and exit it on the southern side.
In one of the more riveting interviews in the famous Dick Head series Pauline Hanson reveals that she is the inspiration behind Trump’s rather radical North Queensland style of politics.
I can’t tell you how rapt I am that you won. I have always shared your dreams and aspirations from the time I entered the Miss Universe Pageant only to be unfairly eliminated in the local heat at our church hall. I can’t wait for you to make a Presidential visit to Aussie when we can work together on policies like forcing the Indonesians to pay for Operation Sovereign Borders, sending Tasmanian Senators back to Tasmania, insisting that China pays $150 a tonne for iron ore, planning my bid for The Lodge and gaining the benefit of your feelings in other areas of mutual interest.
The ACTU; Our Brother Bill’s Keeper
This week’s article in the enthralling series details how Bill and the ACTU react to the CFMEU’s threat to take over Labor policy-making and includes their consideration of whether they could rely on the ABCC to prevent it happening
“As soon as I’m sworn into office and Hillary is safely behind bars I’m going to initiate my six week plan to make America great again. Look I love Australia, I really do, no-one loves Australians more than me especially your women. That’s why I plan to send you boatloads of Mexicans and Muslims and only charge you for their fares one-way. Furthermore I plan to initiate an American cultural development program down there which will comprise a Melania Centre for Misogyny Studies, appointing Sarah Palin as our ambassador and opening a Trump Hamburger Hotel next to the Opera House”
Read all about the latest plans of Abbott The Avenger
“Look I’m absolutely pissed with all the people who visit me year after year in David Jones and expect unflagging goodwill and yo-ho-hoing while they crap on endlessly about not being able to believe that Christmas is coming round again. It drives me to the brink of festive four-letter words. You’d think they’d been around long enough to work out when to expect Christmas because it turns up on exactly the same day every bloody year. So this year as part of my Christmas duties I’ve decided to help by giving people a seasonal heads up. As of today there are 57 more shopping days to Christmas and Christmas Day is eight weeks this Sunday. Now if anyone is brainless enough to leave it till Christmas Eve to pester me about delivering a gift the following day they’ve got about as much chance as taking it to the local post office.”
“I am announcing today that the government’s Plan B on the gay marriage plebiscite is a gay divorce plebiscite. The introduction of divorce equality would enable gay couples to divorce without having been previously married thus giving them an advantage over heterosexual couples who would still be required to endure an miserable marriage as a prerequisite”
Baird Backflip Breakthough
In this week’s Dick Head Interview Mike Baird explains the benefits of backflipping over the normal propensity of politicians to get it wrong the first time and carry on as though they’d got it right.
“I fully accept that the bank needs to become more customer orientated. Therefore we are abandoning our policy of treating our customers like ATMs and being able to access their funds merely by pressing their buttons. Furthermore in order to achieve a significant breakthrough in our level of service we are even considering the possibility that our financial advisors could make the odd mistake in the customers’ favour for a change”
Stuck in the Middle with Malcolm
In the second article in this unique insight into the nation’s prime ministerial family Lucy ponders whether Malcolm’s greatness will ever be allowed to flourish fully or whether it will be left to her to do a Hillary.
“The Greens welcome the complete shutdown of electricity supplies in South Australia as an outstanding contribution to carbon emission reduction. We would like to see this initiative adopted regularly by all the states. Not only would it make a major contribution to meeting Australia’s emission reduction targets under the Paris Accord but it would also accustom people to what life would be like if they ever voted us into government”
In this latest article in the absorbing Friday Mash series The ACTU express concern that because the Labor Party’s procedure for electing leaders is similar to the one in the UK they could end up with someone like Jeremy Corbyn who unlike Bill would be a leader they couldn’t control.
“Kevin is an absolutely brilliant intellect but the problem is he always aspires to jobs he can’t handle like Prime Minister of Australia, business development manager for Pink Batts, career advisor for Julia Gillard and UN Secretary General. I’m desperately hoping he will appreciate what a wonderful contribution it would be to the future of mankind if he and Tony tackled the greatest moral challenge of our time by opening a Climate Change Institute in Damascus together”
Stuck in the Middle with Malcolm
Don’t miss the first in a compelling new Friday Mash series which reveals the conversations between Malcolm and Lucy that are shaping this nation.
“Loath as I am to argue with Pauline I believe the gravest danger facing Australia is that it could be swamped by the Greens because their policies are guaranteed to turn the country into a swamp. It is most encouraging however that Pauline affects them like a can of Mortein. They disappear from the Senate every time she rises to deliver a spray”
Don’t miss the ACTU’s latest set of instructions to Bill
In this week’s article in The ACTU; Our Brother Bill’s Keeper series you can read how Ged and Dave admonish Bill over his handling of the Dastyari issue and counsel him on how to use Sam’s misspeaking talents to their benefit rather than China’s.
“When you’re short of a dollar and there are things like travel expenses to pay don’t borrow money from the bastard money-grabbing banks but rather solicit a gift from a Chinese philanthropist. You’ll find them only too willing to oblige especially if you’re enthusiastic about the Chinese Government’s radical redevelopment of the sandbanks in the South China Sea. And let’s face it that’s exactly the sort of treatment Turnbull should be giving the banks in Australia”
“The question for the gay community is whether to support the plebiscite on marriage equality or opt for a three year wait in the forlorn hope that Bill Shorten can win the election in 2019 and bring on a vote in parliament. Bill’s chances of becoming PM in 2019 are about the same as George Pell’s of emulating Mother Theresa. What’s more could you possibly imagine anything less romantic than being on a gay marriage promise from Bill for three years?”
This week in our compelling new series Friday Mash’s distinguished team of correspondents worldwide discuss whether Kevin should be the next UN Secretary General. We didn’t ask Julia for her opinion because she obviously doesn’t giveashit.
Derryn is starring in the latest series of the Block being produced by the Senate. This series is not so much about renovating and renewing but rather about installing a massive block in the Senate chamber around, through or over which the gay marriage plebiscite and all the rest of Malcolm’s legislation shall not go. Don’t miss the exciting first reveals showing the block vote demolishing the plebiscite and politicians painting an unlikely picture of themselves as having the mandatory mental attribute to undertake a conscience vote.
This week’s article in the landmark Abbott the Avenger series reveals that Abbott is opting to delay his vengeance because he can’t see what he could do currently to make Malcolm’s position any worse.
“As Chef de Mission of Australia’s Olympic Team in Rio I couldn’t be more proud of their achievements. The team only failed to reach expectations in two relatively minor areas, the number of medals won and the number of nights spent in prison. We have already started planning for the Tokyo Olympics to ensure there will be many more athletes and officials for the high jump and the team gets first option on accommodation at the city’s main prison to save them the trouble of having to move location during the games”
“How the hell can a government ever be expected to complete a satisfactory census when the Bureau of Statistics produces a site that’s harder to get into than the White House and some sclerotic Senators won’t even fill in the census form. For the next census therefore I am contemplating an entirely new approach. Every Australian on the mainland would be transported to Tasmania free of charge. This would enable us to take an aerial photograph of the entire Australian population in Tasmania and as a result all the statisticians would have to do is count everybody in the picture. This approach offers a number of distinct advantages. No-one would have to fill in anything, there would be a huge boost to Tassie tourism and it would help Australians understand what the entire country would look like if ever we adopted the Greens’ refugee policy”
In this week’s article in The ACTU; Our Brother Bill’s Keeper Series Ged and Dave at the ACTU brief Bill on his future economic policy which they’ve designed to replace a Royal Commission by bashing business and the banks.
“More than any other country Russia has single-mindedly pursued the Olympic goals of ‘Faster Higher Stronger’. Some countries choose to pursue them through performance-enhancing training techniques, others through performance-enhancing equipment while we opted for the greater convenience of performance-enhancing drugs. It is an outrage that Russia’s performance-enhanced athletes have been banned from competing in Rio while those from other countries are being allowed to take part. So next year I’m planning to hold a ground-breaking World Games Event in Russia from which no athlete will be banned. It will be like the Olympic Games on steroids”
In his article this week entitled The Great Divide, A Hole Comments that based on worldwide trends the shape of things to come could be Pauline Hanson.
In response to public opinion the ABC have categorically ruled out using this type of restraint on Pauline Hanson the next time she appears on Q&A. There is still the possibility however that they will accept video questions for her from Mosul.
This week in the landmark Public Bar Politics series Fred Plodge discusses whether alcohol is the key to raising the standard of political debate in parliament to the level practised in public bars.
“My mission is to save the world from Kevin. I know only too well the detrimental effects that maverick Labor politicians can have on society because I was power-broked into the NSW premier’s job by Eddie Obeid and Joe Tripodi. At a time when we’re reeling from Brexit and terrified by Trump the ascent of Kevin to the UN Secretary General’s job would have an effect on the world similar to the fate of the global coal market if it were controlled by the the Greens. My Labrador and I stand ready to be the faceless men prepared to step in and prevent Kevin doing to the world what he did to the Labor Party.”
The first article in the Operation Sovereign Blockers series appears in Friday Mash today. The series will report on the initiatives of independents in the Senate which are designed to block Malcolm’s government from passing any legislation that might possibly improve Australia’s economy.
“Based on the latest projections I now as Commissioner confidently expect the AEC will finish counting the votes for the Senate somewhere in the near future.
I know a lot of people believe this doesn’t add up and there are too many people at the AEC who just don’t seem to count when it comes to providing election results but you have to keep in mind it takes our scrutineers over half an hour to go from one end of the Senate ballot paper to the other.
Furthermore they suffer such recurring shock and trauma at the odd Senate candidates people are prepared to vote for we have to give them regular time off for reorientation and recuperation”
“I’m absolutely stoked at the spectacular election result for the Greens. Our share of the vote was well down, we’ve lost one Senator and possibly two more, we’ve failed in our endeavour to rehabilitate former Trotskyists by getting them elected to parliament and we’ve failed to become a major political nuisance through forming an alliance with Labor in a hung parliament.
Despite this encouraging progress I recognise that achieving the major longer-term goals is what really counts. Great men like Tim Flannery eventually realise their dreams like Sydney’s dams running dry and I’m committed to doing the same for the Greens”
“I hope you didn’t really think I was serious about Malcolm privatising Medicare because I didn’t want to mislead you but the trouble was my scare campaign about him being a wealthy elitist wanker who doesn’t give a toss about working families wasn’t working and Work Choices had passed its use-by date so I was getting desperate. You now have my absolute assurance that Medicare won’t be privatised until I decide whether it’s still a scary enough prospect to use at the next election. However I expect Labor’s major scare campaign at that time will be the threat of a comeback by Tony Abbott”
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent, explains in this week’s Pillow Slips column the decisive steps being taken by the UK to ensure they snatch the title of the World’s Leading Economic Basket-case from Venezuela and Greece.
“Here is an important election announcement on behalf of the ACTU. If you volunteer to vote Labor this weekend you will automatically be enrolled as a union member free of charge and qualify for member benefits like bank-bashing that we’ve told Bill to introduce on becoming Prime Minister. Voting Labor is the only way to ensure you get your fair share of the massive budget deficits we’ve helped Bill to plan and guarantee that Australia borrows as much money as possible before the global supply runs out”
“Malcolm double dissoluted parliament with the aim of dumping Ricky and the Brick with Eyes from the Senate but more to the point he wanted to rid himself of the emotional strain he feels in Canberra whenever I am near. Latest indications are however that I’m in with a shot of retaining a Senate seat and if I do he’ll just have to cope with his intense feelings for me. So I’m appealing for everyone with rellies and friends in Tassie to take up the challenge of persuading them to vote for me because they can be assured that I won’t succumb to Malcolm’s proposals for an alliance unless of course he invites me to shack up with him at The Lodge”
If you are a still a reluctant or don’t-know voter you’ll find that reading Fred’s Guide published today as part of the Public Bar Politics series is enough to push you over the edge.
“Look I do hope you’ll vote Malcolm back as PM because I’ve just got The Lodge to the stage where it’s looking really nice and given three more years I believe I could make just as liveable as our pad at Point Piper. It was such a shame that the Abbotts weren’t really interested in upgrading the place and if Bill and Chloe move in next month the place will be full of unionists fingering the curtains and spilling beer all over the carpet. So if you vote Malcolm back both into Parliament and The Lodge as PM and I’ll ensure that at least in one of them he won’t get into bed with the wrong people”
Bill Shorten has chosen The Malcolm and Bill Show series in Friday Mash to explain why he’s made the recent changes to Labor’s economic policy. It would be inadvisable to vote in this election before you’ve read this landmark dissertation and extremely difficult once you have.
“It’s an absolute disgrace that the Coalition deny ordinary Australians any hope of a Budget surplus. Scott Morrison singularly failed to follow my exemplary model which comprises promising a surplus in the May Budget and then allowing hope to generate right up to December when I used to cancel it as part of the MYEFO. This meant there were eight months of the year when ordinary Australians could celebrate the prospect of a Budget surplus and only four to endure the reality of a deficit. Maintaining a surplus for eight months of the year was one of my signature achievements and it’s such a travesty that Morrison has dropped this World’s Best Treasurer model.”
In this week’s edition of Friday Mash there’s another article in this riveting election series bringing our readers a dimension of the election campaign ignored by other publications almost certainly because their readers are not of a sufficient intellectual capacity to appreciate it.
This is the view inside Bill Shorten’s Big Black Hole. Friday Mash descended to its murky depths to try to shed some light on all the unfunded promises lurking down there but we were kept in the dark. However we did come across Bill using his Spendometer to dig the hole even deeper.
In this week’s article in the Jacqui’s Think Tank series there’s an account of how its members believe this election could provide a pathway for Jacqui to The Lodge. Please keep in mind there’s no need to panic just yet.
“The Greens believe the wonderfully sunny weather we’ve been enjoying in May is a bigger threat than terrorism. As you sunbathe on the beach you should reflect that you are under much greater threat from UV radiation and rising sea levels than from terrorists. That’s why a Greens government would save lives by switching our anti-terrorist forces to beach patrols and persuading the terrorists to fight global warming through switching their operational policy to a cold war. And by the way Sarah Hanson Young is developing a brilliant new policy to house tens of thousands of asylum seekers through the redevelopment of all the power stations we plan to shut down into apartment blocks”
In this week’s typically insightful article ‘Politics as Usual’ A Hole questions whether it would make the slightest bit of difference whether Malcolm or Bill wins the election because it would take the Greens to make things a whole lot worse.
“I now plan to contest the Presidential election under the Palmer United Party banner. The world best practice closure techniques that Clive has applied to the Palmer Coolum Resort, the Dinosaur Park, Gold Coast United, his parliamentary seat and Queensland Nickel have inspired me to plan closure of the Southern Border with Mexico, the Republican Party, the Clintons, all contact with the outside world and country’s immigration programme. When I’ve accomplished all that I’ll close down Clive and become the PUP’s new owner”
In this week’s article in his Public Bar Politics series Fred Plodge explains why he could find a better Prime Minister than Malcolm or Bill simply by touring public bars throughout Australia.
“I deserve to be PM of Australia after my focused single-minded campaign to clear away all the obstacles in my path which has included stabbing Julia and Kevin, knocking off Tony and now I’m about to knock off Malcolm. I invite all Australians to join with me in building a great nationwide union because the AWU could do with an increase in their membership fees”
In this week’s interview in the acclaimed Dick Head Interview series he discusses with Scott Morrison whether the budget process has outlived its usefulness.
“The budget is a total shambles. The only way back to economic prosperity is my policy of bank bashing. After the banks have been found to be profoundly anti-working families as PM I shall transfer all their money to the unions which will be restructured as credit unions. The next logical step will be the replacement of the Reserve Bank by the ACTU and there probably won’t be any point in continuing with the annual budget because it’s a foregone conclusion that not having produced a surplus since 1989 Labor is consistently on the right track”
Don’t miss Guy’s absorbing account of the last conversation between Malcolm and Scott before the Budget was released. This was obviously the reason Bill Shorten has been so desperate to get an advance copy of this week’s Friday Mash.
Following a series of Labor thought bubbles over the past twenty years relating to a second Sydney airport at Badgery’s Creek which have all gone pop, Bill Shorten is fighting back against Tony’s decision to actually do something about it by emitting a thought bubble of unprecedented dimensions. In order to minimise the risk of noise pollution Bill has proposed that only airships should be allowed to land there. Experts have dismissed the idea as a load of hot air.
In this week’s edition of compelling insights into Australian politics Channel 9’s operations in Lebanon come under scrutiny and in particular whether the next series of one of their popular shows will be produced over there and renamed The Cell Block.
“I should like to take this opportunity to make it absolutely clear that Tony is not my lovechild but rather he’s an absolute bastard. And if he’s in a state of suspense over how I’ll react to my dumping he now knows how the Labor Party felt when I was Speaker”
Australia’s leading social commentator comes up with some timely advice to Malcolm and Scott on why it’s impossible to make spending cuts in the budget that are fair to everyone.
“If the UK votes for Brexit life for the Poms could get tough. So as a contingency measure I have prepared the Adopt-a-Pom programme. This will enable every Australian to come to the aid of a Pom who is struggling post-Brexit with essential humanitarian aid like Kylie Minogue CDs, Chinese takeaway and bum-warmers. Please keep in mind that if we don’t take such radical steps to maintain Pom living standards the blighters could fly over here in their millions to visit the rellies, stay on as economic refugees and put back the development of our multicultural society by years”
If you’re intrigued by the prospect of Bill becoming PM but not being delegated any power by the ACTU don’t miss the compelling The ACTU – Brother Bill’s Keeper series starting this week.
“I should like to remind any Liberal Party members who are planning to vote against me in the pre-selection ballot for my seat that I know where you all live and you should keep in mind that Peta Credlin once took out an AVO against me. What’s more if I lose pre-selection I shall still stand in the federal election as a candidate for the Helicopter Enthusiasts Party.
This week’s Friday Mash carries the first article in the gripping new Abbott the Avenger series which will reveal exclusively how Abbott, inspired by the peerless plotting of Kevin, plans to avenge himself against the heartless hegemony of Malcolm.
“Now Malcolm I should like to take this opportunity to absolutely assure you that you have my complete support for your economic policy, your plan for Australia to become a Republic, introducing gay marriage and an ETS and winning the election. Ha ha April Fool!”
In his compelling column this week Fred Plodge, Australia’s leading public bar politician, describes his plans to launch the Public Bar Political Party and sweep to electoral success through unprecedented binge voting.
“I have to report that Malcolm and I are making positive progress towards the budget on May 3rd. So far we’ve decided not to increase the GST, not to reduce personal tax, not to mess around with negative gearing and superannuation, not to bail out Clive, not to have a major overhaul of the tax system and not to do anything that would spoil our chances of being re-elected. We haven’t finally decided yet whether we’re going to have a budget at all but it’s difficult to declare a deficit without one”
This week’s Friday Mash carries the first article in the Abbott The Avenger series. It reveals that due to lack of public support Abbott vengeance against Malcolm is not likely to happen before the election and probably not after it either unless Malcolm stuffs it.
“I would like to take this opportunity to deny that Tony and I treated the prime minister’s role as a gender equality partnership. The secret of our success was that he was a much better opposition leader so I let him get on with it but when it became apparent that he was a hopeless prime minister I obviously had to step up. And as for the rumour that we had an affair the truth is we only ever had a couple of knights together and they were a total disaster”
In his Public Bar Politics article this week Fred Plodge the doyen of Australian public bar commentators hypothesises that until Malcolm confirms the time of the Budget, the tax reform plan and the election we won’t know whether this is a great time to be living in Australia.
“I admit I made mistakes during my time in Ballarat. For example I failed to recognise the need for sex instruction classes for priests. The other problem was my lack of awareness of what goes on around me, in fact I’ve only just realised what a lot of Catholicism goes on in the Vatican. I must say however I’ve been very distressed by comments that a heart condition isn’t a valid excuse for not flying to Australia when it applies to someone as heartless as me”
A Hole Comments this week on this vital question that is worrying both the Coalition and Labor and concludes that if Malcolm makes as big a mess of things as Kevin, Julia and Tony a Trump-like figure is likely to emerge promising to build a wall along the North Coast of Australia and persuade Indonesia to pay for it.
“I would strongly welcome your unequivocal expressions of support for my campaign to succeed Ban Ki-Moon as UN Secretary General. It would be especially helpful if you could confirm that Pink Batts wasn’t my fault and the character assassination of me by Julia and half the Labor Party was merely an application of programmic specificity to the party leadership selection process.
Please send your glowing testimonials to the Kevin 17 Campaign, United Nations, 1st Avenue, New York.
If you haven’t got the slightest idea you can be reassured by this week’s edition of Fly on the Wall that Tanya and Albo haven’t got the slightest idea either.
“I’m amazed at the recycled human wreckage that passes for politicians in Australia. They’re no better than the Bushes and the Clintons. Malcolm’s like a beach-hut with an attractive front but nothing at the back, Bill’s about as relevant as half-time at a football match, the Greens resemble a political wreckers yard and Clive’s like me before I started taking medication. Barnaby shows promise but spends too much time trying to be a politician”
“I’m absolutely delighted to welcome Barnaby as my Deputy particularly as there isn’t a hope in hell of him ever nicking my job. It’s true we have policy differences especially in the area of climate change where I strongly disagree with his assertion that blowing smoke up people’s arses is the best way to reduce carbon emissions but as far as Barnaby and I are concerned you’ll just have to take the rough with the smooth”
Having locked himself away in the Ecuadorean Embassy in London for three and a half years on a daily diet of arroz con pollo Julian still seems reluctant to take up the offer of a transfer to the American Embassy where he could be well and truly in the leak soup for a change.
This week’s Friday Mash carries a full account of last week’s Focus Group session on whether spending fifteen million dollars on the refurbishment of The Lodge was a worthwhile expenditure of taxpayer money or the result of yet another Captain’s Pick by Tony.
“I should have been Australian of the Year for a change”
In this week’s riveting account of another Think Tank session you can follow the intense discussion about whether to offer Tony the chance to rebuild his political career by becoming Deputy Leader of the Jacqui Lambie Network.
“Recalcitrant members of the Liberal Party who are trying to pinch my seat should be warned that I’m determined to nip all such attempts in the butt and they’ll either find themselves hitting rock bottom or getting their fingers burned on a red-hot date and end up feeling an absolute arse”
This week Fred Plodge discusses the looming threat to democracy if it is no longer allowed to flourish in its traditional public bar environment.
“It’s an absolute scandal that the Immigration authorities have allowed so many foreigners to come and play at the Australian Open without rigorously checking whether they’ve got links to terrorism. We shouldn’t be exposed to the threat of foreigners blowing up during matches like Tomic and Kyrgios”
Friday Mash readers will have full access to the findings of our new Focus Group research studies overseen by our Research Director Felicity Farthardly.
The findings of the first study are published today and won’t be a surprise to anyone who believes Bill Shorten is better suited to running a union than the country.
“The Nick Xenophon Team is designed to succeed where Clive, Jacqui, Ricky Muir and the Brick With Eyes have all failed and become a political pain-in-the-arse capable of bringing government in this country to a complete standstill. If you’re disillusioned by all the government mistakes of the past vote for us and make the exciting switch to a leading government mistake of the future”
Many leading figures in Australia are learning how beneficial it can be to Dial Triple O for Malcolm in times of need. This week you can read how Malcolm comes up with a brilliant idea to blame Bill Shorten for everything, even Tanya Plibersek and Penny Wong.
“It is wrong to believe that the Royal Commission Report is all bad news for unions. I’m extremely confident for example that it will lead to a significant increase in employment opportunities for members of the Prison Warders’ Union”
For many years public bars have been the source of premier quality political commentary in Australia.
Friday Mash is delighted to announce we have acquired the services of Fred Plodge, one of our most celebrated public bar commentators, to write a regular column for us.
His debut article in this edition argues that the future of unions lies in pubs.
“The Coalition’s popularity in the polls is solely due to their decision to dump Abbott. Our problem is that if we dumped Bill no-one would give a stuff”
This week’s Friday Mash contains what the government has been waiting for; Dick Head’s forecasts for 2016. Now perhaps we can expect Malcolm to get down to some serious preparations for the Budget and the Federal Election.
We hope something really terrific happens to you in 2016.
Alisdair Blackman and Roger Pugh
“What impact will the Paris Climate Summit have on Australia?”
“As a developed nation we’ll have to reduce carbon emissions till 2050 by which time our economy will be in such a mess that we’ll be reclassified as a developing nation and allowed to start increasing carbon emissions again”
In this week’s Friday Mash you can not only read the PM’s inspiring message of goodwill to all mankind but also an ancient Christmas Tayle that will awaken within you the True Spirit of Christmas.
Friday Mash will be on Christmas Holiday next week but hopefully our recuperative powers will enable a renaissance for New Year.
Have a Very Happy Christmas.
Alisdair Blackman and Roger Pugh
“Why did you defect to the Nationals?”
“Because I’d gone from being a Captain’s Pick under Tony to a Spare Prick under Malcolm”
In this week’s edition of the Bill Shorten; His Year of Ideas series you can read how Bill makes one last heroic attempt to finally come up with one.
“One was astonished to learn that the Turnbull person one met at CHOGM is a leading Australian Republican”
“Well at least he won’t lumber me with any more of those bloody silly titles”
Dick Head’s Special Report exclusive to Friday Mash brings you the very latest weather forecasts from the Summit for the rest of this century.
“I must say Barack it’s hard to imagine anything worse than a country suffering eight years under George W Bush”
“Oh I don’t know Malcolm just imagine a country suffering eight excruciating years under a combination of Kevin, Julia and Tony”
Obama and Putin don’t want to put boots on the ground in Syria so Malcolm tells them where to put them.
“I am pleading with Australia not to become a Republic before my husband becomes your Monarch. He’s been in training for the position for sixty-three years and now he’s finally about to graduate it would be so unfair if he was made redundant before he got a crack at it.
Furthermore Malcolm has made it absolutely clear that there would be no alternative career options for him in an Australian Republic”
Jacqui’s Think Tank makes a major contribution to the national debate on taxation.
In this week’s article you can read how Jacqui and the Think Tank come up with a brilliant idea to help Tasmania overcome their economic disadvantage imposed by the Greens.
From those wonderful people who brought you the Work Choices scare campaign, the GST scare campaign, the empty dams and rising sea levels scare campaign, the turn-back-the-boats scare campaign and the Tony Abbott scare campaign now comes the GST scare campaign mark II plus the scariest scare campaign of them all, Bill for Prime Minister.
In this week’s inspiring article read how Malcolm relieved the financial pressures on state premiers through persuading them to look upon the GST as loaves and fishes.
“Now that rugby is the game they play in heaven I propose that the All Blacks should play the champion team from up there for the Rugby Universe Cup. It would be a tough challenge for the All Blacks because the teams in heaven play with a great spirit and the gods are always on their side”
If you are spending increasingly interminable hours commuting to Sydney CBD you’ll find this week’s Pugh Perspective recognises your plight but offers no hope whatsoever of things improving.
This colourful couple are recreating the Bonnie and Clyde legend through a stunning series of union scandals, expenses blowouts, disputed wills, bankruptcies, real estate deals, divorces, suss sick leave, pulsating passions, secret recordings, whistleblowing and courtroom dramas. They’re already a bigger reality tv hit than the Kardashians.
Australia’s foremost anally orientated social commentator pleads for an expert to explain climate change calmly and rationally without labelling people deniers and sceptics or threatening them with dreadful weather.
“When I’m Prime Minister I’ll solve the economic crisis by covertly charging all companies for government services. They’ll be required to make discreet cash payments in envelopes to Peter Garrett because he’ll probably mistake them for Christmas cards”
“I am desperately seeking a new position for an ex-prime minister with a peerless reputation as a world-class nuisance.
Utterly compelling references are available from Julia, Kevin and myself.
Please note he is not available for positions in the union movement”
Bill’s relentless pursuit of an idea continues this week in Friday Mash with an account of how he believes he has come up with a breakthrough concept to achieve the impossible by making himself just as popular up against Malcolm as he was up against Tony.
“Just because Hillary gained work experience when she was at the White House with Bill doesn’t mean she’s more qualified than me to be President. In fact Monica seemed much more attuned to the demands of the Oval Office”
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was actually on a nearby wall when Malcolm caught up with Tony to talk about a spill. This week’s article in the Fly on the Wall series gives a rivetingly exclusive account of their discussion.
“Don’t believe all that crap politicians tell you about the poll on election day being the only one they care about. I couldn’t believe how deeply they cared about the thirtieth Newspoll I lost in succession”
Don’t miss the first article in a compelling new Friday Mash series that records how a revolutionary new government service is bringing access to Malcolm’s legendary omniscience within the reach of every citizen.
Malcolm says “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them and now there’s a whole new kind of greatness like me that Shakespeare could never have anticipated”
The Pugh Perspective this week argues that we’re nowhere near getting the prime ministers we deserve and unless we take urgent steps to redress the situation we could find ourselves threatened with a PM takeover by people inspired by Donald Trump like for example a rejuvenated Clive or even worse.
This woman has now been unfaithful to Brendan Nelson with Malcolm, unfaithful to Malcolm with Tony and unfaithful to Tony with Malcolm. And she’s good at foreign affairs as well.
In this week’s inspiring article in the Think Tank series you can read how Jacqui and her team come up with a solution for resettling Syrian refugees in middle east Tasmania.
If you opt to follow the worldwide trend and support the concept of non-politicians like Ged Kearney and Dave Oliver running the country all you’ve got to do is vote for Bill Shorten as prime minister at the next election.
The definitive answer to this most intriguing of political questions is revealed in this week’s Leaks from Tony’s Journal together with the revelation that the only thing besides Joe standing between him and prime ministerial greatness is the rest of his cabinet.
It all comes down to a perception of this man’s integrity against that of the union movement. Now you understand how difficult it is not to be biased.
This week The Pugh Perspective provides answers to the questions that everyone is asking about Tony’s future. It argues that Tony’s operating style as prime minister points unequivocally to his immense potential as a rugby coach.
Inside sources have confirmed that Australian immigration authorities have been instructed not to prevent this citizen flying out of the country especially if he’s booked to go to Syria.
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Julie’s office when Joe and Malcolm came in for a confidential chat about Tony. You can read Guy’s exclusive account of their compelling discourse only in this week’s Friday Mash.
Two gay guys getting married.
One says ‘The way things have turned out I think it’s just as well that we decided not to invite Tony’
This week’s compelling article discusses whether Bill can still pull a new idea or two out of the fire in 2015, whether he will try to make do by re-cycling second-hand ideas from Julia and Kevin which bombed the first time round or whether he will give up and postpone the whole thing till 2016.
Only now is it coming to light that but for his unfortunate demise Cecil the Lion would have been a prime candidate to replace Bronnie as Speaker.
His peerless qualifications for the job included a Bachelor of Law of the jungle, consummate politician-taming skills and the extremely modest travel entitlement needed to cover a daily return trip between Parliament House and Canberra Zoo.
This week’s article in the Jacqui’s Think Tank series reveals how her innovative policy on gay marriage was inspirationally evolved and why she isn’t likely to be any luckier with this type of marriage than the other sort.
Official sources have revealed that the government is planning to recognise Bronnie’s epic Melbourne-Geelong helicopter flight as a landmark event in the nation’s history.
Bronnie would be invited to re-enact the flight annually on its anniversary to be greeted by cheering throngs at a Geelong fundraiser.
The fund-raising target would be $5,227 to pay for chartering the helicopter.
Of all the many epic Abbattman missions this one is arguably his most daring. In this week’s exciting account of the mission you can read whether he succeeds in a breath-takingly brilliant plan to recruit another woman for the Coalition.
Official sources have confirmed that the salvos fired at Tony Abbott from the Labor Party Conference didn’t hit their target.
Following advice from security experts the Prime Minister had moved out of range as a precautionary measure.
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was positioned on a wall at the Leaders Retreat to bring our readers a unique perspective on their deliberations.
In this week’s article you can read exclusively how the Leaders used the Retreat as an opportunity to be backwards in going forwards.
Friday Mash is delighted to announce that Polly Tickle, Australia’s leading commentator on the private lives of US politicians, has agreed to write a regular column for us on the US presidential election. The column launches this week with an interview with Donald Trump in which he explains why despite the fact that he frequently suffers a brain tsunami his toupée never falls off.
The Tony Award for the worst performance by a Labor leader at a Royal Commission goes to Bill Shorten.
In the latest series of sensational leaks from Tony’s Journal you can read about how closely aligned he and Malcolm are on all matters except the timing of his departure and who should replace him.
‘It’s simply scaremongering by the EU who are following the disgraceful example of Abbott and Hockey’
Read how Abbattman went about convincing Mark Snott to keep his balance at the ABC rather than allowing himself to be tipped off balance by people as whacky as Zaky.
A Hole, Australia’s most anal social commentator, raises the question of whether the Coalition and Labor have given up on ever finding another great prime minister and are prepared to make do with the likes of Tony and Bill.
This week Tony describes how he is dealing with Joe’s aspiration to promote gaffes into not merely an artform but also a key tool of government. Joe fervently believes that it’s time to try a new approach because the government’s current focus on a gaffe-free administration just doesn’t seem to be working.
Don’t miss this week’s article in the Franglais series which contains a full account of Alexis Tsipras’ interview with Friday Mash’s distinguished EU correspondent Hugo Morthanigo in which he explains how Greece’s future prosperity doesn’t depend on their own economy but rather on everybody else’s.
If you are still in the process of making up your mind about gay marriage don’t miss this week’s article in the Jacqui’s Think Tank series because you’ll be reassured to find that even the great political minds of our time are in a similar state.
This week Abbattman goes on his 100th mission. This is an impressive milestone for Tony Abbott’s alter ego who has built such an impressive reputation as the people’s hero. It is only fitting that he reaches his century by once again confronting one of his traditional targets Wayne Goose in yet another major strike for the forces of the righteous and the Right.
Just in case you didn’t notice last week Friday Mash has formed an association with the capital city of conversation The Big Smoke and once again we are featuring the very best of their current articles.
‘Are you concerned about the shortage of ice at the North Pole?’
‘You bet I am, it’s hell living up here if you’re not on drugs’
Friday Mash’s ground-breaking series Bo and Big O reaches its hundredth article this week. This unique canine perspective on the Obama presidency could only come from someone like Bo who spends his life sniffing round the White House.
This week marks the start of Friday Mash’s association with The Big Smoke, the capital city of on-line conversation. Every week for your added entertainment Friday Mash will bring you the very best features from the site of pre-eminent public opinion. We hope you enjoy them and we encourage you to visit The Big Smoke for more compelling conversation.
Please note that Richard di Natale has replaced Christine Milne as the head of the asylum.
Once you’ve read Dick Head’s brilliant budget analysis published in this week’s Friday Mash you will be able to amaze your friends with your incredible insight into how Scott Morrison stepped in and managed to save Tony and Joe from having to contract the job out to Peter Costello
Only by reading the latest in the Indiana Joe and the Raiders of the Lost Surplus series will you be truly equipped to understand what the hell Joe is rabbiting on about on May 12th and whether it would be prudent to leave the country before it happens.
‘Is it the Scottish National Party’s policy to cause disruption outside the UK as well’
‘Certainly, we’ve got activists planted all over the world like Doug Cameron in Australia’
Only in this week’s Friday Mash can you read about how Abbattman goes on a highly charged mission to convince the WA premier Darnit that he’s head of a charitable organisation supporting SA and Tassie.
‘Are you sure that’s not Joe Hockey in a last-minute bid in London to improve the budget bottom-line’
This week’s article in the Bo and Big O series reveals all you’ve ever wanted to know about Obama’s real feelings towards Hillary but were too sensitive or too overwhelmed by all gushing media coverage he gets to ask.
The Great Issue Facing this Nation featured in the Weak in Politics this week is “Who would you choose to run the country instead of politicians?” Do not miss this opportunity to make your opinion count in shaping the very future of the nation.
Immigration authorities are on full alert to prevent this activist cleric from re-entering Australia. He went overseas last year to take up a key role in the HQ of an extreme religious organisation.
In case you’re still worried about whether you cast your vote wisely in the NSW Election once you’ve read Dick Head’s final article in his NSW Election CamPain 2015 series you’ll realise that since there’s no chance of you being blamed for Fred Nile or the Greens forming the next government it doesn’t really matter.
If you don’t want to be blamed for voting for the wrong party in the NSW election whatever you do don’t miss this week’s article in Dick Head’s celebrated NSW Election CamPain 2015 series. No-one could possibly blame you for getting it wrong after you’ve been misled by an expert like Dick.
“Is your Treasurer really for sale?”
“He will be if his second budget’s as big a disaster as his first”
If you’re as confused and confounded by the NSW Election as everyone else it will come as a great relief to read Dick Head’s latest expert CamPAIN analysis and find he’s even more disturbed than you are.
This week the exclusive leaks from Tony’s journal are an absolutely riveting read about the problems he’s having with Joe and why he feels it would be an even bigger burden for him to carry if Malcolm was Treasurer.
“If you become New South Wales Premier, will you draw on the achievements of the previous state Labor governments?”
“Yes the ICAC have promised to give me a complete briefing”
Dick Head’s eagerly awaited series of articles on the NSW Election start today. NSW Election CamPAIN 2015 brings you insights into the mind-numbing madness between Son of Bambi and Luddite Luke that only someone who has spent most of his life in a political asylum could possibly dredge up.
Whatever you do don’t think of casting your vote before getting the definitive Dick Head perspective.