Abbott into Abbattman
100th Mission – The Goose that never laid a Golden Surplus
Tony Abbott was just about to hang up his budgie smugglers for winter when the Abbattphone rang.
“Abbattoperations have posted a medium priority mission” said Bronnie who was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ “We have to take contingency measures in case the budget turns out to be another train-wreck and the ultimate authority in this specialised field is Wayne Goose. Your mission is to elicit from Goose his strategy for presenting budget disasters as a good for the economy”
Tony had carried out a number of Abbattman missions in the past aimed at terrifying Goose into getting his deficit digit out. To treat Goose as an expert however required a fundamental change in strategic planning and he spent many hours in discussions with Abbattintelligence before he was satisfied this had been accomplished.
Tony chose to execute this mission on the day when he knew Goose would be relaxing in his parliamentary office pursuing his favourite pastime of reading the citation from his World’s Greatest Treasurer Award.
When the Abbattbike crashed through his office door Goose’s gob had never felt so smacked because he’d assumed his Abbattdays were over.
“Not you again”he yelled “I thought my tribulations with the tosser in tights were behind me. What the hell do you want?”
“Greetings Goose” said Abbattman “oracle of budgetary omniscience. I have come to seek your incomparable counsel”
“You mean” spluttered Goose “you’ve actually come in pursuit of my advice rather than my arse”
“Indeed I have” replied Abbattman “I want to know how you managed to give the impression you were a top Treasurer after you’d produced six budgets that were synonymous with surpluslessness”
“With pleasure Abbattman” said Goose “I can’t tell you what it means to me that you have at last recognised my peerless pursuit of Treasurer perfection”
“I should warn you however” said Abbattman “that I shall view it as highly inappropriate if you declare a surplus of self-congratulation”
“It was like this” said Goose “I always promised a budget surplus initially so I would get a rise in the preferred Treasurer polls. Then when I announced around Christmas that the surplus had morphed into deficit I always claimed it was an inspired piece of budgeting brilliance to rescue the economy from the unforeseeable effects of economic climate change”
“So Goose” said Abbattman “what’s your advice to Joe who is seriously struggling to climb out of the enormous economic black hole you left for him?”
“Look” replied Goose “I know it must be a terrible disadvantage to take over the Treasurer’s gig from the world’s greatest but if he is serious about producing surpluses he needs to get better prime minister than Tony. Think of the surpluses I could have achieved without Dudd’s response to the GFC, his pink batts disaster and the Welsher’s education revolution”