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Dick Head Interviews

A Career To Treasure

A Career To Treasure

Friday 9 October, 2015
Dick Head, Friday Mash’s distinguished Canberra correspondent, secures the first major interview with Joe Hockey since he was dumped by Malcolm. He explores in depth whether this will adversely affect Joe’s chances of ever delivering a surplus.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash“Looking back on your two-year career as Treasurer” said Dick “what was the main highlight?”

“Undoubtedly my first budget” replied Joe

“But most people would rate that a lowlight” said Dick

“I know” responded Joe “but compared with all the other lowlights it was a highlight”

“How do you account for the fact” asked Dick “that most of the key economic indicators went south under your government?”

“That was caused by inccorect compass settings” replied Joe “but if you take into account the economic downturn in China, the spendathon bequeathed by Wayne Swan and Tony being a chronic economic agnostic my true achievement was overcoming all that to become Australia’s Greatest Treasurer of all time. My meteoric rise was so unbelievable that it will never be appreciated by anyone except my psychiatrist and some people I know on another planet”

“It’s been said” commented Dick “that you and Tony failed to communicate a believable economic message”

“Well that’s true in relation to Tony” said Joe “I didn’t understand a word he was saying”

“Why do you think Malcolm replaced you as Treasurer with Scott?” asked Dick

“He said I ran the economy like a gambling addict with a cash-flow problem” replied Joe

“Well didn’t you?” asked Dick

“Of course not” replied Joe “I ran it more like the head of a rehabilitation centre for gambling addicts such as Tony, the Greens and the independents in the Senate”

“Weren’t you responsible for persuading the G20 members to raise their game on economic growth?” asked Dick

“It’s true I saved the world economy” replied Joe “but that’s not locally focused enough for Malcolm”

“So Joe” said Dick “what does the future hold for you?”

“Well it looks like I might land the ambassadorial gig in Washington” replied

Joe “because not even Malcolm would send me to Pyongyang. I’m absolutely confident of taking Kim Beazley’s great diplomatic work there to another level by engaging The New York Philharmonic to play at cocktail parties and building on his legendary lunches by at least one course”

“And what is your main perspective on the parliamentary career you’re leaving behind?” asked Dick

“History will show” replied Joe “that I saved the country from the economic heritage of Wayne Swan whose six-year tenure as Treasurer was one surplus the economy could have done without”

Comments

About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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