The choice at this election is crystal clear.

You should vote for Malcolm if you like Tony’s policies but regard Tony as an absolute tosser. You should also vote for Malcolm if you believe in gay marriage, an ETS and the Republic but fear that they would cost twice as much under Labor and the Greens.

The re-election of Malcolm would also prevent Australia from the embarrassment of six Prime Ministers in six years although the US scarcely seems to do any better with one President in eight. It would also enable Lucy to continue her commendable efforts to rescue The Lodge from the disrepair caused by the First Bloke treating it like a men’s shed.

A vote for Bill would signify support for infecting the country with the debilitating dollar diarrhoea virus which he probably contracted from the Greens. Voting for the Coalition is the only known treatment for this hideous affliction which is beyond analysis either by thermometer or spendometer.

Bill is promising the country four years of dollar diarrhoea debt and deficit followed by a miracle cure. Past history indicates however that while Labor have a solid track record in miracle spending producing miracle cures for it are not their strong suit. Furthermore despite the fact the Coalition have produced a miracle cure or two in the past even they were found wanting in the face of the daunting debt accumulated by Kevin and Julia.

The dollar diarrhoea epidemic Bill is promising would test the resources of the World Health Organisation let alone the Coalition

You should of course vote for the Greens if you feel you’re not paying enough for electricity, want to help Tim Flannery keep his head above water and believe that the second Sydney Airport should be built in the middle of the Simpson Desert.

By voting for Jacqui Lambie you are registering support for the CFMEU to launch an inquiry into the Royal Commission into the Unions.

A vote for Nick Xenophon registers a belief that the Senate’s role is to prevent the House of Representatives doing anything that benefits anyone except South Australians and a vote for the Australian Sex Party indicates a willingness to take up any position as long as it’s not political.

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