Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

A Dish Served Cold

A Dish Served Cold

Friday 2 September, 2016
In the depths of his bunker beneath North Head at Manly Abbott discusses avenging prospects against Malcolm with his loyal lieutenants Cory and Eric.
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Abbott the Avenger on FridayMash

“Malcolm’s succeeding in pissing off everybody” declared Cory “he’s not right enough for us, he’s not left enough for everybody else and he’s showing about as much leadership as Putin’s campaign for a drug-free Olympics

“And I can’t believe how much he’s stuffing around with marriage” commented Eric “the plebiscite he’s proposing doesn’t give anyone the option of voting for heterosexual marriage”

“Actually” said Abbott in measured tones “I think he’s playing things pretty shrewdly. He’s maintaining all my policies on things like immigration, gay marriage and the environment in order to minimise the motivation to have me back”

“But he hasn’t followed through on your economic measures” pointed out Cory

“But to be fair” observed Abbott “most of those were the result of Joe’s faulty arithmetic”

“Malcolm’s shaping up as such a non-event” persisted Eric “that if we don’t knock him off soon somebody else will”

“I’m almost coming round to the view” confessed Abbott “that the most effective vengeance against Malcolm is to leave him in the job for a year or two. So far he’s only got his arse in a wringer, but give him time and he’ll be up to his arse in alligators”

“Tony” said Cory engagingly “you and I both know that Malcolm is a closet progressive and there’s about as much chance of him forcing through measures that will fix the economy as Trump making a contribution to the Clinton Foundation”

“You and I both also know” responded Abbott “that if I became Prime Minister again within the next year or so the only things that the Senate would pass would be their breakfasts, lunches and dinners”

“But we’re all itching for revenge against the meretricious Malcolm” said Eric spiritedly “is there no chance of anything vengeful that we can scratch ourselves with?”

“Look” explained Abbott “currently everybody is so pissed with Malcolm that any further contribution from us would be like a tantrum in a tempest. I believe our best course of action for the time being is to stand behind him at media conferences and nod sagely”

“So how long do you think we should hold fire?” asked Cory

“Until he finally starts making Bill Shorten look like a credible alternative” replied Abbott


About this Series
Abbott is on the outer studying the Gospel according to Kevin on how to wreak vengeance upon a Prime Minister who has spilt you to the backbench. He lurks in the shadows with his disciples desperately trying to figure out how to seize back The Lodge despite the having a preferred Prime Minister ranking slightly below that of a CFMEU activist.

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