Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

A Naked Grab for Power

A Naked Grab for Power

Friday 4 September, 2015
Bill is convinced he’s had a great idea for winning the Canning by-election but Albo points out that if it causes Tony to be canned it could be a loss.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

Bill Shorten; His year of Ideas

“I’ve just had a great idea” announced Bill

“Bill I’m worried that you could be trying too hard” said Albo “your Year of Ideas still has four months to go”

“But this one is a corker” said Bill “it could win us the Canning by-election”

“Alright then let’s hear it“ said Albo “as long as it’s not a rehash of that plan to threaten the electorate with moving Mark Latham into the area if we don’t win”

“I plan to promise the electorate of Canning” said Bill “that I will run down their main street naked if we win”

“Look Bill I’m not sure” said Albo “It might be ok if you did it in the dark to minimise the risk of being charged for indecent exposure”

“Only the guarantee of a full frontal in broad daylight” said Bill “would be sufficient to motivate the politically astute citizens of Canning to vote Labor especially the women”

“It might possibly be appropriate to consider” said Albo “whether showing your tackle on national television is a good look for a future prime minister”

“There’s wouldn’t be much to see” said Bill “especially if it’s a cold day”

“I can’t help feeling “said Albo “that promising to keep your gear on might be more advantageous for us electorally”

“Look” said Bill compellingly “if we win this by-election Abbott would become instant cactus. For a result like that I’d even risk a helicopter flight to a fundraiser with Bronnie”

“Please don’t think for a minute I’m underrating your idea” said Albo “but even arseholing Abbott isn’t a service to the nation we should undertake lightly”

“Absolutely” said Bill “I wouldn’t take my clothes off for just anybody”

“However” said Albo “if the prospect of perving on your private parts sends the Canning electorate into a voting frenzy which annihilates Abbott the danger is that Malcolm would get the PM gig and he’s at least twenty points ahead of you as preferred prime minister. In my opinion the best result for us in Canning is a Coalition victory because you’d still be ahead of Tony in the polls”

“Albo” said Bill “you’re an absolute champion. Thank you for making me realise once again that I’ve got no idea. What are our chances are of winning in Canning?”

“I think if Abbott pays them another visit” said Albo “we should be prepared to deal with the unwelcome consequences of Malcolm as PM

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About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

View all articles in the Shorten Forgettable Series
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