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A Policy Shorten of a PM

A Policy Shorten of a PM

Friday 4 March, 2016
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Bill’s office when Tanya and Albo came into to discuss his prospects for becoming PM. Here is his exclusive report of their discussion.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

“Hooray” cried Bill “I’m going to be PM”

“I wouldn’t put money on it” said Albo

“Well Malcolm’s suffering economic policy constipation” explained Bill

“because he can’t find a tax laxative”

“Bill” said Tanya soothingly “it’s critical at this point in an election year that you don’t get over-confident”

“And don’t forget” said Albo “you’re a mile behind Malcolm in preferred PM polling”

“I never take any notice of polls” declared Bill “because the only one that counts is the one on election day”

“But you stabbed Kevin and Julia” protested Albo “because of their piss-poor pre-election polling which incidentally in both cases was a street ahead of yours”

“They were different” said Bill “because they were both prime ministers whereas I’m the Leader of the Opposition and it’s my job to be an unpopular irresponsible ratbag”

“Bill” said Tanya calmly “let’s get things into perspective. Australia’s has had the traumatic experience of five prime ministers in five years and unfortunately two of them were Kevin. If you got the job this year it would be six in six. That would almost certainly lead to Albo or me getting the job in 2017 making it seven in seven. So it’s going to take an inspirational charismatic leader to knock Malcolm off and frankly Bill I sometimes wonder whether that’s you”

“What do you mean?” demanded Bill “I’m an absolute hero of the trade union movement and gave the best performance at a Royal Commission since George Pell

“I want to be absolutely clear about this” said Albo “Malcolm may have the GST jitters but he’s going to produce a half decent budget and you’re going to have your work cut out trashing it. We know it’s going to be unfair to working families because that’s our policy but I’m worried that it won’t be unfair enough so your best chance of becoming PM is to start showing more outstanding PM qualities”

“Like what?” asked Bill

“Like the stature of Menzies” replied Albo “the wit and insight of Keating, the bonhomie of Hawke and the sheer bloody-mindedness of Howard”

“Well personally speaking” said Bill “I reckon I compare favourably with previous occupants of the Lodge”

“Well that’s certainly true” said Tanya “in the case of the First Bloke”


About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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