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Abbott into Abbattman

Abbattman Persuades President Nodramas not to Bomb Out on Terrorism

Abbattman Persuades President Nodramas not to Bomb Out on Terrorism

Friday 10 October, 2014
This is a riveting account of how Abbattman flew to meet the US President at the UN in New York and persuaded him to be no more Mr Nice Guy to terrorists.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Just as Tony Abbott was considering whether to give Putin a copy of Julia’s book for Christmas the Abbattphone rang.

‘Abbattoperatons believe it’s time for a major international Abbattmission’ said Bronnie from Abbattapad HQ ‘President Backpack Nodramas needs a kick up the arse on terrorism. It’s time he pulled his finger out and placed it on the button needed to get some bombing action off the ground. Your mission is to go and meet Nodramas at the UN and check whether his finger’s gone feral’

Tony was really pumped. Here at last was a chance for Abbattman’s unique style of diplomacy to shine on the world stage. His mission profile would be elevated from Saving Australia from Sarah Havesome Dung to saving the world from ICICLE.

After a series of intensive planning sessions with Abbattintelligence Tony was mission ready. The Abbattplane had been prepared for a trans-Pacific flight and the Abbattbike adjusted to right-hand drive. As soon as countdown was completed at mission control a fully focused Abbattman set off on one of the greatest challenges of his illustrious career.

On landing at Kennedy Airport Abbattman rolled out the Abbattbike and pedalled strongly over some bridge or other, turned left into First Avenue and made straight for the UN Building between 48th and 49th.

The security at the UN Building was no match for the barrier-busting Abbattbike and neither were the doors of the conference room where Nodramas was in secret session.

‘Oh hi Abbattman’ said Nodramas ‘are you here with Tony Halibut?’

‘No Backpack’ replied Abbattman ‘I’m here on a major international mission to help you get your arse into gear on terrorism’

‘Thanks for your concern’ said Nodramas ‘but all it will take is a few bombs to send ICICLE into meltdown’

‘Unless you want a Caliphate in California by 2016’ said Abbattman ‘you need to make sure ICICLE doesn’t become the hell that freezes over all of us’

‘Look’ said Nodramas ‘I can’t start bombing Syria in case I help Assad by bombing the rebels who are fighting him or help ICICLE by bombing Assad’

‘There won’t be a problem picking out ICICLE’ said Abbattman ‘they’re the ones driving US tanks and humvees’

‘Essentially’ said Nodramas ‘I’m a man of peace. I only start shooting and bombing when I’m assured they won’t take my Nobel Peace Prize away’

‘Here’s the bottom line’ said Abbattman ‘if you don’t crap on ICICLE with immediate effect they will be the heroes when Hollywood makes the film about this war rather than you’

Nodramas immediately picked up his hack-proof mobile. ‘Listen Chuck’ he said ‘it’s ok to bomb ICICLE in Syria and Iraq but lay off Eastern Ukraine for the time being because we’re planning to set that up as a joint operation with Malaysian Airlines’

Comments

About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

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