Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Abbott Comeback Inspiration

Abbott Comeback Inspiration

Friday 16 October, 2015
Bill comes up with a game-changing concept to bring back Tony and restore himself to relative popularity.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“I’ve just had an absolutely ball-tearing idea” announced Bill

“Please tell me” said Albo “it’s not the one about teaching kids to eat fast food slowly so they don’t gain weight as quickly”

“No” responded Bill “it’s even more ingenious than that. It’s time for action to fix my slump in the polls. It was caused by Malcolm dumping Tony so we’ve got to reverse that process and somehow get Tony reinstated. From now on I propose to refer to Malcolm as Tony Abbott. Then I can resume my highly effective trashing of Tony and watch my numbers soar again in the preferred prime minister polling”

“Forget it Bill” said Albo “people will just think you don’t know who you’re talking about”

“But there’s no difference between the two of them” said Bill “Malcolm’s retaining all Tony’s policies while at the same time getting credit for being a breath of fresh air and driving my poll numbers down as low as Julia’s were when I was forced to stab her”

“Now take a deep breath Bill” said Albo soothingly “I wouldn’t want you to think I’m being unreasonably negative but I’d put your idea in the same category as the Malaysia Solution”

“Well I still think it’s a brilliant idea’ said Bill “because it would convince the public that Tony and Malcom are as alike as a flat white and a cappuccino”

“Malcolm and Tony come from different planets” said Albo “Malcolm’s aim is to turn the Coalition into a sensible popular government like the Labor Party would be without the unions”

“He’s pinching my pet policy” said Bill

“The only chance of a union-free Labor Party during a Shorten prime ministership” said Albo “is an operation to change your mind in a brain-transplant unit”

“I remain very confident” said Bill “that I could put down a resurgent Malcolm by resuming my anti-Abbott rhetoric describing him as a climate change denier, a misogynist, an enemy of working families, a liar, a closet work choices fanatic and a dangerous right-wing radical”

“If you started referring to Malcolm as Tony Abbott” said Albo “not only would you be forced to undergo tests for dementia but people would also start urging you to take advantage of the latest special offers from Specsavers”

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About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

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