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Abbott into Abbattman

Abbott and Rootin Get it On

Abbott and Rootin Get it On

Friday 24 October, 2014
Read about the exciting plans for the greatest heavyweight bout in history and how Abbattman made it happen.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just deciding whether to wear his ‘If you don’t love it, leave’ t-shirt when the Abbattphone rang

‘This is a priority one international mission’ said Johnnie from Abbattapad HQ central opeations. ‘Vladimir Rootin has arranged a shameful shitbagging of you in Pravda just becasue you threatened to shirtfront him. The piece seems to have been copied straight out of Julia’s book. We need to put the boot into Rootin as soon as possible so your Abbattman mission is to pay him a visit and arrange an Abbott-Rootin heavyweight bout when he comes here for the G20’

Tony fully understood why Abbattman had to go and negotiate the bout rather than him. If he went to visit Rootin there would be spontaneous combustion without any regard to diplomatic niceties like the Marquess of Queensberry rules.

It took weeks of patient research and planning in concert with Abbattintelligence before Tony declared himself Abbattmission ready. The Abbattplane had been prepared for interantional service, the Abbattbike adaped for Russian rush-hour conditions and the Abbattgear had been modified to ensure Tony wouldn’t suffer anal icing in sub-zero temperatures.

A special international mission control centre was established at Abbattapad HQ and on completion of their countdown Abbattman took off on the ultimate challenge of his distinguished career.

Immediately upon landing at Sheremetyevo Airport the Abbattplane cargo doors swung open and Abbattman shot out on the Abbattbike detemined to pedal the twenty-nine kilometres to the Kremlin before the KGB caught up with him.

The Kremlin defence systems proved no match for the barrier busting capabilities of the Abbattbike. Then it swiftly proceeded to remove Rootin’s office door and come to a halt in the no-parking zone right by his desk.

‘Abbattman’ cried Rootin’ ‘how nice to see you. Let’s drink twelve toasts to your visit’

‘Look Rootin’ said Abbatman ‘I’m here on a top priority Abbattmission. Tony is really pissed with you over MH17 and wants the opportunity to punch you lights out’

‘Tony’s such an impulsive soul’ said Rootin ‘As my ancestor Ras-rootin used to say ‘he can suck it up”

‘He demands satisfaction’ said Abbattman ‘under the Marquess of Queensberry rules over three three-minute rounds’

‘No problem’ said Rootin ‘but he must realise I’ll kick his arse’

‘This will be the most watched event in the history of sport’ said Abbattman ‘ we’ll stage it at the MCG with all proceeds going to the families of MH17 vicitims’

‘Who will referee the bout?’ asked Rootin

‘In order to ensure justice is done’ replied Abbattman ‘it will be the President of Ukraine’

‘What will the winner get?’ asked Rootin

‘I’ve no doubt’ replied Abbattman ‘that Tony will get a letter of appreciation from Malaysian Airlines’


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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