Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

An Alien Concept

An Alien Concept

Friday 19 August, 2016
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant plan to make Trump appear as if he doesn’t belong.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I see Trump’s blamed you for creating ISIS” said Biden

“I know” responded Obama indignantly “next he’ll be claiming I’m running a drug cartel out of the White House”

“We’ve got to mash Trump mercilessly” exclaimed Biden “for making asinine assertions like that”

“You’re right” proclaimed Obama “but the trouble is I’m running out of anything suitably excoriating to say about him. I’m starting to repeat myself and nobody seems to be taking much notice of me anymore”

“I know what you mean” remarked Biden “Trump is doing so many outrageous things we just don’t seem to be able to sustain the shit-canning at a level which can keep pace with him”

“We have to face facts” surmised Obama “it looks like the more we abuse Trump the more likely he is to become President”

“Then do you think” asked Biden “we should start shit-canning Hillary instead?”

“Interesting idea” said Obama thoughtfully “I used to be quite good at doing that but the trouble is I’ve already used that tactic in a Presidential campaign.

Why don’t we call in Kerryman for a tactical discussion on Trump trashing. He gets abused all over the world so he should have something useful to contribute for a change”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was doing research with a climate change scientist to identify whether the accelerating growth rate of his hair was caused by global warming.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he poked his hair round the Oval Office door “I’m terribly worried that Trump is winning the war of vitriolic verbosity against us. We simply don’t have enough trash talk in the tank to keep pace with his atrocities”

“Yes I’ve been noticing that” responded Kerryman “and Hillary’s atrocities can’t keep pace either”

“So what can we do?” demanded Obama

“I’ve got an ingenious plan” announced Kerryman “we should start putting round the story that Trump is a sleeper agent from another planet activated to cause so much chaos and despair around here that it would be a doddle for his mates to pop down and take us over globally”

“Do you think people would believe it?” asked Obama

“Of course they would” confirmed Kerryman “there’s no other explanation for Trump that is anything like as credible”

“Brilliant” exclaimed Obama “let’s get the campaign started right away”

“There’s one thing we have to be careful about however” warned Kerryman “I’m almost certain that Bernie comes from the same place”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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