Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

An expert analysis into whether Bill’s election chances depend on voter memory loss

An expert analysis into whether Bill’s election chances depend on voter memory loss

Friday 26 June, 2015
Wal and Sid, two senior AWU officials, discuss whether the inability amongst Bill’s supporters to remember anything much about him is an advantage.
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Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“Who can forget what Bill’s done for the union movement?” asked Wal

“I can” said Sid

“Actually” said Wal “I’m talking about Bill Shorten”

“Oh right’ said Sid ‘I can’t remember what he’s done either”

“That’s funny” remarked Wal “that’s what Bert said”

“I’m not surprised” said Sid “the last time I raised the subject at a meeting I was told to forget it”

“Why?” asked Wal

“I can’t remember” replied Sid “but you know what the AWU is like, we’ve got more skeletons in the cupboard than a ravenous cannibal”

“How do you think Bill will go at the Royal Commission?” asked Wal

“He won’t have a problem” replied Sid “because they won’t remember a word he says and if other witnesses claim they don’t remember anything about him they’ll actually be telling the truth”

“I see he’s just gone down again in the polls” said Wal

“I am not surprised” said Sid “he’s a bigger cause of memory loss than binge drinking”

“Why do you think the party selected him as leader?” asked Wal

“Because he’s such a welcome relief from that absolute arsehole Abbott” said Sid “who everybody would love to forget but can’t”

“I hadn’t thought of that” said Wal

“When was the last time you heard Bill being criticised” asked Sid “for not keeping promises or for introducing braindead policies like Abbott?”

“I can’t remember” replied Wal

“There you are” said Sid “he’s the best kept secret in politics”

“But if his poll numbers stay down” said Wal “he’s never going to make it to the Lodge”

“He’s still getting a reasonable amount of support” said Sid “because some people even supported Mark Latham when he was leader of the party. But the really significant thing is that all the “Don’t Knows” in the polls are actually Bill’s supporters”

“Oh really” exclaimed Wal “how do you know they just don’t know?”

“It’s only logical’ replied Sid “that when they respond in the opinion polls as Don’t Knows they’re obviously referring to the candidate they don’t know because they can’t remember”

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About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

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