Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

An Unhealthy Situation

An Unhealthy Situation

Friday 23 September, 2016
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant idea to make Hillary look healthy by declaring Trump to be a national epidemic. “It seems that Hillary dehydrated the other day” revealed Obama “Well that’s better than going to water” opined Biden “But it’s still a huge concern” insisted Obama “because the Presidency is no place for anyone […]
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

Kerryman comes up with a brilliant idea to make Hillary look healthy by declaring Trump to be a national epidemic.

“It seems that Hillary dehydrated the other day” revealed Obama

“Well that’s better than going to water” opined Biden

“But it’s still a huge concern” insisted Obama “because the Presidency is no place for anyone who tends to dry up”

“I know” declared Biden “especially during climate change”

“It’s a huge worry” explained Obama “that just as Trump was claiming that Hillary isn’t healthy enough to be President she does a wobbler in front of the cameras”

“She hadn’t been drinking had she?” asked Biden

“No” replied Obama “but she’s suffering from pneumonia which is probably why she’s got less breathing space in the polls”

“Hillary’s problem” asserted Biden “is that she has a very unhealthy relationship with the truth”

“We have to face the fact” said Obama decisively “that Trump’s superior fitness is beginning to tell in the final laps of the Presidential race. Hillary’s lack of stamina could make her look like an even bigger lame duck than me”

“This is serious” pronounced Biden “who on earth can tell us how to recharge Hillary’s batteries without emitting much carbon?”

“Well I suppose we could consult Kerryman” suggested Obama “his batteries gave out years ago but he still manages to convey the impression that he carries a lot of power”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was in discussions with a wig manufacturer about becoming their head of hair.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama Presidentially when he entered the Oval Office “Hillary is running out of puff in the Presidential race, what can we possibly do to re-energise her short of administering steroids?”

“She looks bilious to me” said Kerryman with conviction

“What are the symptoms?” asked Obama

“Every time she sees Bill” explained Kerryman “she starts running”

“How can we make her fit enough” asked Obama “to win the Presidency?”

“We can’t” replied Kerryman “rather we’ve got to make Trump look like an even bigger wreck than she is”

“Fascinating idea” said Obama appreciatively

“Here’s my exceptional plan” said Kerryman self-effacingly “we replace the pilot on Trump’s campaign plane with an under-cover operative working for us. Instead of flying Trump to his scheduled campaign stop he would fly him to an abandoned airfield in the Arctic Circle and leave him there”

“Brilliant” enthused Obama “are there any risks?”

“We’d have to make sure” replied Kerryman “that Sarah Palin wasn’t moose hunting in the area”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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