Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

UK Election CamPAIN 2015

And The Miliband Didn’t Play On

And The Miliband Didn’t Play On

Friday 15 May, 2015
Tori Banger, reports that Ed Miliband, Nick Clegg & Nigel Farage still nurture an ambition to lead their whole party to resign after the 2020 election
The story starts here...

UK Election CamPAIN 2015

The UK decided that when push comes to shove it’s ok to have the occasional left-wing loony like Gordon Brown running the joint but the combination of Miliband and Nicola was more suited to running an asylum.

UK election loss for ed miliband

David Cameron relishes his victory

Electing those two to run the economy would be like giving Libya and Syria joint responsibility for running a World Peace Conference.

The Lib Dems paid very dearly for their contribution to the coalition government and Nick’s deputy PM gig. A future alliance with the Greens is probably all that’s needed to kill them off completely.

You’ve got to feel a bit sorry for poor old Nigel. UKIP got more votes than the SNP and the Lib Dems combined but were rewarded with just one seat and Nigel left seat-less. He will now have to be content with his role in securing the 2017 referendum on the EU which could have even greater ins and outs to it than this election.

Nicola ran the most successful ever election campaign for someone who didn’t win a seat. The SNP however won enough seats to ensure there will be almost as many people doing porridge in the House of Commons as in Wormwood Scrubs.

Miliband should now carve in stone that during an election campaign you shouldn’t discuss politics with Russell Brand, never even countenance the possibility of forming any sort of alliance to govern the country with a party that seeks its termination and never carve anything in stone unless you are thus able to convince people you can get blood out of it.

Labour’s performance in Scotland was on a par with an English croquet team tossing the caber at the Highland Games.

The election is best summed up by the fact the Conservatives gained their Johnson while Labour lost their Balls.

After Nicola declared that an English gentleman like David wasn’t her type it occurred to a majority in England that a Scottish harpie like her wasn’t their type either.

The future for Labour seems to depend on whether they can clandestinely substitute David for Ed or pay an enormous transfer fee for Nicola.

The huge question facing UK politics is whether the SNP will run candidates in the next election in seats right across the rest of the UK and secure an outright majority in the House of Commons.

That would give them the power to change the name of the UK to Scotland and so achieve Scottish independence without the need for another referendum.

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About this Series
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s UK political correspondent, will be providing coverage of the UK election in her own inimitably seductive style

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