Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Apocalypse Later

Apocalypse Later

Friday 11 March, 2016
Kerryman comes up with a brilliant idea to prevent Trump becoming a Republican President by persuading him to switch back to the Democrats.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“You can’t help laughing” said Obama

“About what?” asked Biden

“About the way Trump’s destroying the Republican Party” replied Obama “He’s having the same sort of impact on it as Dick Cheney had on the Middle East

“But I’m just as worried about our side of things” said Biden

“I thought we were home and hosed” said Obama

“On the contrary” said Biden “I’m worried that one of our candidates will have to retire for treatment at a geriatric care centre and the other will be indicted for Hillaryleaks”

“But surely they’re never going to be able to nobble Hillary” said Obama

“I wouldn’t be surprised” said Biden ‘to wake up one morning and find she’s joined Edward Snowden in Moscow”

“Jeez” exclaimed Obama “that’s serious. It’s our solemn duty to protect America from Trump”

“Well I’ve recommended that Bernie should try monkey-gland treatment or make-up” said Biden “but apart from that the only thing that comes to mind is calling in Kerryman. I know that smacks of desperation it’s the only thing we’ve got left”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was letting his hair down after helping negotiate a cease-fire in Syria and so he could only see his way to returning to the US after visiting a barber.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he finally arrived “we’re facing a crisis here which makes the Middle East look like the first day of a Macy’s Sale.

The testicular Trump could not only traumatise the country but the Democratic and Republican Parties as well”

“Assad believes that Trump as President could actually make things worse in the Middle East” said Kerryman “but I find that very difficult to believe”

“Things here are looking so desperate” said Obama ‘that I’m even inclined to throw you or Joe into the Presidential race”

“Here’s what we should do” said Kerryman authoritatively “persuade Trump to switch sides again and become a Democratic candidate for President”

“Have you gone absolutely bats-in-the-belfry bonkers?” asked Obama incredulously

“Look at it this way” said Kerryman “Trump is the only strong candidate for President who isn’t under the threat of indictment and he used to be a member of the Democratic Party. It’s true he’s rude, misogynist and politically incorrect but that wouldn’t matter as much if he were a Democrat”

“What about the wall?” asked Obama

“Look we could live with that” said Kerryman “as long as he didn’t insist on shutting down all the tunnels as well”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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