Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Assad Commentary

Assad Commentary

Friday 2 October, 2015
Obama, Biden and Kerryman consider who’s going to benefit if they save Syria because most Syrians will be in the EU.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“Have you decided whether you’re running yet Joe?” asked Obama

“I’m still cogitating” replied Biden

“We desperately need another candidate like you from the Democratic establishment” said Obama “in case the FBI discover that Hillary has been running her election campaign on a government website and Bernie Sanders turns out to be a North Korean cyborg”

“I thought he already had” said Joe

“I’m very worried about Syria” said Obama

“I worry about the Middle East as a whole” said Biden “because it saves a lot of time worrying about individual countries”

“What I’m finding difficult” said Obama “is deciding whether Assad is a bigger pain-in-arse than the Islamic State, Al Qaeda or al-Nusra or whether he’s just your average diabolical dictator”

“What does Kerryman think?” asked Biden

“I haven’t bothered to ask him” replied Obama “I suppose it would be useful to call him in for a discussion so we can check for any signs of improvement”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was in a barber-shop in Baghdad discussing Assad’s parting with the Russian Foreign Minister.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama after he had clocked in “please brief me in terms simple enough for even George W Bush to understand on what the hell’s going on in Syria”

“Well it’s like this” responded Kerryman “the Russians and the Iranians are helping Assad fight IS, Al Qaeda and al-Nusra. The Syrian rebels are fighting everybody and we’re helping Assad, the Russians and the Iranians whom we universally detest by bombing IS whom we detest even more”

“Shouldn’t we just leave them all to get on with it?” asked Obama

“If we do that and Assad, Russia and Iran come out on top” replied Kerryman

“we’ll end up in the Middle East the same way as Rick Perry in the race for the Republican nomination”

“Are you suggesting” asked Obama “that we should totally align ourselves with Assad, Putin and the Ayatollah against the Islamic State et al?”

“What I’m suggesting” replied Kerryman “is that we wait until they’re all exhausted from fighting each other and then go in and finish them all off”

“What a truly intriguing concept” said Obama “how do you think that approach would affect my reputation as a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize?”

“Who gives a stuff” replied Kerryman “when it would eradicate your reputation as a powder-puff president and make Donald Trump look wimpy by comparison”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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