Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Assad Idea

Assad Idea

Friday 27 November, 2015
Bill comes up with an idea which on balance might be capable of actually increasing the chaos and despair in the Middle East.
The story starts here...

Shorten Forgettable MastHead for FridayMash series on Bill Shorten satire

“I’ve just had an absolutely brain-defying idea” said Bill

“Oh come on Bill give it a break” said Albo “I thought we’d agreed you should abandon your impossible dream of coming up with an idea of your own in favour of concentrating more on your undoubted talent for shit-canning everyone else’s”

“I’m still convinced” said Bill “that I’ve got one in me”

“The trouble is” said Albo “gaining access to it could require a full frontal lobotomy with no guarantee that it wouldn’t turn out to be just another thought bubble”

“My breakthrough idea” persisted Bill “is for me to fly to Damascus, persuade Assad to quit the Syrian Presidency, migrate to Australia and open an ophthalmic practice in Canberra”

“Bill” said Albo sternly “perhaps it’s time you went for a thorough check-up”

“Just think of the immense potential benefits” said Bill “I’d become a world hero for getting rid of Assad thereby facilitating a solution to Middle East malfeasance and I’d consequently soar above Malcolm in preferred prime minister polling”

“Reluctant as I am to put a damper on things” said Albo “I feel I should just point out that the more likely outcome would be Assad having you put in the slammer on suspicion of being an AWU activist and Obama not raising a finger to help because you’d crossed one of his red lines”

“But just imagine” said Bill “the incredible benefits that could flow from Assad opening an ophthalmic practice in Canberra. It would certainly open a lot of eyes in parliament”

“Just a minute Bill” said Albo “have you thought about the possibility of ISIL launching a terrorist attack against Assad in Canberra?”

“That’s a point” said Bill thoughtfully “perhaps it would be better if we found him an ophthalmic practice in Hobart. They could do with some extra excitement”

“Sorry Bill” said Albo “you’ve flunked out again. The only advantage accruing from you being interned in Damascus is me taking over as Party leader so your plan is not entirely without merit”

“We haven’t even discussed” said Bill “the crushing impact my idea would have on the Islamic State”

“Well now there’s the germ of an idea” said Albo “Islamic State have never faced a terrorist threat anything like as terrifying as you and the faceless men.

If you could do to them what you did to Kevin you could probably prevent your preferred prime minister polling falling below fifteen percent”


About this Series
Bill Shorten suffers from a chronic inability to make an impression. People not only have problems remembering who he is but also remembering any of his ideas or in fact whether he’s ever had any. The only thing he’s ever remembered for is stabbing prime ministers which is of course the one thing he’d prefer that everyone forgot.

View all articles in the Shorten Forgettable Series
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