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#AusPol winners and losers: Who tapped who…and where?
A baby boomer discovered memes, the English Empire returned and an intern printed some paper. What a week it was in #AusPol. So, who won?
Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of Australian politics from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, who won?
Cory Bernardi, for getting fresh kicks with vintage memes.
All hail, grovel and tremble at the might of AusPol’s latest memelord. Everyone loves an awkward political meme attached to the notable name who really should know better. The latest person to mix political prescription meds with the cabernet sauvignon of Internet criticism is the head of the AusCons, Cory Bernardi, however, he’s seemingly selected from the 2008 vintage. And that was a fucking long year.
These memes are, to use casual street urchin parlance, old as all fuck.
— Aust Conservatives (@AuConservatives) February 17, 2017
— Aust Conservatives (@AuConservatives) February 23, 2017
— Aust Conservatives (@AuConservatives) February 22, 2017
On the one hand, Bernardi is playing to his supporters – after all, if there’s one thing that links the far-Right across the oceans, it’s their love of a dank meme. However, on the other, if he expects his party to grow, he needs relatability, and for that he needs relevance.
Cory, keep your memes on trend, bruh.
Malcolm Turnbull, for the banishment of problem politicians to the old world.
Say what you will about Malcolm Turnbull (let’s be honest, most of you already have), but the man knows how to pop a rather problem pimple on the nether regions of the ALP (hint: it’s with the rusty tweezers of imperialism). In a move referencing his greatest play of 2016, when he popped the whitehead Cory Bernardi off to the UN to keep him away from the election, word around the campfire is that he’ll be sending noted amnesiac George Brandis to the UK – or to anywhere but the current perch he tweets from.
What an absolute OG.
Also on The Big Smoke
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who paid the penalty (rate) this week?
- #AusPol winners and losers: Stop the polls, I want to get off!
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who’s regime reigned supreme?
- #AusPol winners and losers: Who fled the sinking ship this week?
The NSW police force, for not letting a decade-long squabble play out.
John Howard, the man with the second-most-famous warble in AusPol, recently happened upon a collected angry mass of his forever antagonists, the CFMEU.
— 7News Yahoo7 (@Y7News) March 9, 2017
What happened next, depends on your own Twitter prejudice:
John Howard’s office says he came across the CFMEU protest while walking to lunch. Apparently no one touched him and he’s fine #auspol
— Jane Norman (@janeenorman) March 9, 2017
Watusi-ing away from the howling banshee of histrionics for a mo, let’s actually analyse what the footage above represents:
A three-o-clock-at-the-flagpole-opportunity. It needen’t degenerate into a schoolyard squabble, as it could take the format espoused in that rubbish Pitt-vehicle Troy, where the CFMEU’s best warrior would take on the 25th Prime Minister of Australia.
Think about it. The portly truck driver from Warrnambool can make good on his trite, half-stunt ambition; conversly Howard can put the working class in its place. Fair’s fair.
Alas, thanks to the constabulary, it was not meant to be.
Boo, and also hiss.
Alan Tudge, for having a one-note interrogation technique.
As the back catalogue of Quentin Tarantino taught us, it behoves one to have a go-to back-up technique when torturing someone. Clearly, Alan Tudge has no time for the gimp, as he decides to continue to beat those who oppose his robo-extortion with the same fist, repeating the blow this week: “We think this is a critical part of our overall system to ensure there is integrity in the welfare payments.”
Eye-rolls from even those whose mouths are covered in duct-tape. More of the same will not break them. It will, of course, have the opposite effect. What’s required, Mr Tudge (other than perhaps yo’ resignation) is some Stealers Wheel and a quick jaunt to your boot to grab the jerry can.
Off you pop.
Also on The Big Smoke
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The “Golden Emerson” goes to Ed Husic, for adding minor shade to his Twitter bio.
Regulars to Winners/Losers (and oh shush you, tee hee) will know we’re partial to the shenanigans of one Ed Husic, after all, he brought a to-scale human skeleton to work; but this week’s effort bags him the Golden Emerson.
— Ed Husic (@edhusicMP) March 7, 2017
Ignoring the move of taking a photo of your own bio to prove it, this whole debacle when compared to his spinal gaffe is just not that good. No doubt, it is good, but not Ed Husic good.
It happens to the grandest of us, but it’s Husic’s next piece that counts. Current suggestions: a performance-art piece on the Senate floor where Ed displays his disappointment in the government through the medium of dance, industrial grime and the internals of a ruminant.
Now that’s art.
“The Bushie” is awarded to Sean Spicer, for claiming that size matters.
If a lifetime of incidental nudity and utter denial can teach us anything, it’s that people who publicly bang on about size simply do not have it. So it goes with Sean Spicer when discussing the comparative sizes of Obama and Trump’s health care legislature.
— Fox News (@FoxNews) March 7, 2017
Just to recap, a man pointed at two stacks of paper. This man gets paid for this job. This man was hand picked for this job.
See you next week, unless we’re all killed.