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#AusPol winners and losers: Who went off the cliff this week?

#AusPol winners and losers: Who went off the cliff this week?

Friday 7 April, 2017
A spot of legal vandalism, an incorrect choice of aircraft and a budding buddy movie in the pipe…the week in #AusPol had many things, all of them stupid.
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A spot of legal vandalism, an incorrect choice of aircraft and a budding buddy movie in the pipe…the week in #AusPol had many things, all of them stupid.

Every Friday, your trusty commentators at The Big Smoke review the most lauded plays in the game of Australian politics from the week previous. Passionate? Unquestionably. Conniving? Undoubtedly. But it’s not about that. Headlines need to be made and an audience needs to be entertained. So, who won?

Winners

Whoever had six pieces of paper and an axe to grind.

Now, to surmise, in the best Hercule Poirot impression, ze person who defaced ze the sign had a lot of time on their hands. This is evidenced by the blu-tack on the wrong side of sheets 2-5, which hints at them having stolen it from a nearby wall, or more likely, having enough time to stick the ludicrously unreliable adhesive to the sheets. Initially it was suspected to be a jobless scallywag, being able to identify the term “feral” as an anagram, but if it was – those unwashed, jobless undesirables – they’d have just graffed up the sign, brah. So, this vandalism within the constraints of the law leads us to someone with a job. Someone who knows better. Someone who indeed has a problem, but not the wit to match it.

Mesdames et messieurs, I give you the criminal who did eet. Yes indeed.

The first six months of 2016 have been the warmest on record (71)

 

Mark Latham and Malcolm Roberts, for forming the dynamic duo we didn’t know we needed.

In a partnership of happenstance not seen since Thelma and Louise murdered that guy and then legged it over the horizon for lols, Latham (Susan Sarandon) and Roberts (Geena Davis) have fired up the Thunderbird (right-hand drive) to hoon across the desolate, sandy vista of the Australian political system.

One piece of advice, you two: watch out for the aesthetically pleasing centre-right fellas who just have one thing on their minds.

turnbull latham

 


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Losers

Pauline Hanson, for ordering modestly.

For someone who seared themselves into the eyeballs of the political public through the branding iron of extremism, it seems odd that she might be going out over a teeny weeny two-seater plane.

The aircraft used to ferry the One Nation leader around the country for her “Fed Up” tour (for which it’s understood she’ll be playing all her old hits, unhinged unplugged) is hardly befitting the moment, or the movement that carries it. Perhaps the plane and Pauline have a similar timbre but surely she could have been fundamentally more extreme with her purchase?

The first six months of 2016 have been the warmest on record (73)

 

George Brandis, for fighting the good fight for equality.

The 18C discussion has been about many things, but what it hasn’t been, is equal. While we’ve heard the stories of inequality from minorities, we empathise, but don’t understand. What’s needed, clearly, is the opinion of a lily-white Inner-Sydneysider to shout out all the times he’s been racially vilified.

Yes, George. No one was listening. But voiced injustices being unheard is par for the course for the discriminated.

Welcome to the club.

 


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Honourable mentions

The “Golden Emerson” – awarded to those who waste everyone’s time with complete verbal tosh – goes to:

Eric Abetz, for this wondrous piece of nonsense, even if he claims he was misquoted (mayhaps, but it’s a fairly rank misrepresentation). (Although, it is 2017…)

 

“The Bushie” – the George W Bush commemorative plaque to honour outstanding performance in the field of trumpeted “fact” – goes to:

Mark Latham, for breaking new and verdant ground with his jackboot. For the first time we have an AusPollr who has doubled up in Winners & Losers, and he’s not even a politician. Mark Latham, uber alles. For his outstanding work in the field, the plaque of non-fact is rushing to his door, for this.

Unless the Twitter handle is a really clever piss take. Then blame the rest of us, and Malcolm Roberts, for taking it on face value.

 

In memoriam

In the grandest tradition of Hollywood, we’ll be honouring those we’ve lost in the past week, giving them a fleeting movement of forced pathos before consigning them to the bin forever.

This week we farewell Bob Day, the Family First senator who put himself first. The real tragedy here is the headline pun gold mine that he’ll be taking to the political grave with him – the possibilities of riches will sadly go on unrealised.

The first six months of 2016 have been the warmest on record (74)

Now, let us all quickly find the exit to the tune that the departed surely would have chosen, if he chose to leave a will.

Vale, Bob.

 

 

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