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Abbott into Abbattman

Back to the Future

Back to the Future

Friday 19 June, 2015
Abbattman goes on a mission to help Bill Shorthairs with his policy development based on embracing all the old favourites from Dudd and the Welsher.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just about to call in a plumber to check if Malcolm was leaking when the Abbattphone rang.

“Abbattoperations has just posted a high priority policy mission” said Bronnie who was catering manager at Abbattapad HQ “Bill Shorthairs is struggling to produce any policies at a time when we need him to adopt the failed old policies of the Dudd and Welsher governments. Your mission is to persuade Shorthairs that the old favourites like the ETS and people-smuggling are just what he needs to win the next election”

Tony instantly realised that this mission would require a nuanced approach. If Abbattman appeared to be too aggressive in support of these loony Dudd and Welsher policies Shorthairs might smell a rat or even a prime minister.

Following extended conferencing with Abbattintelligence Tony decided to treat the mission as a management consulting assignment and convince Shorthairs he was getting expert advice free of charge.

It was a sunny Canberra morning as Abbattman pedalled the Abbattbike purposely towards Parliament House having donned the Abbattgear, collected the Abbattbike from the Abbattservice centre and awaited the completion of Bronnie’s mission countdown as she was making flat whites.

Shorthairs’ office door was always left open because he was pissed off at having it smashed to pieces by the Abbattbike every time Abbattman paid him a visit. So he was hardly taken aback at all when the Abbattbike coasted through the open door and pulled up in front of his desk.

“Greetings Shorthairs” said Abbattman “I’m from Abbatt Head Office and I’m here to help”

“Get your risible right-wing arse out of here” expostulated Shorthairs “the last guy from head office who tried to help me was Dudd and I was forced to stab him”

“Look” said Abbatman “it’s obvious that you’re plonking out badly on policies and need all the help you can get. I think you should announce a carbon tax of $50 a tonne. The Welsher would be proud of you”

“That’s an interesting suggestion” said Shorthairs “but don’t you think $50 is a bit rich?”

“No price is too high to pay” replied Abbattman “for the blessed relief of shutting up Tim Flannery. Next you should announce a policy to re-start the boats”

“Don’t you think that would be too dangerous?” asked Shorthairs

“Of course not” replied Abbattman “the people smugglers could use all the unsinkable lifeboats we’ve sent to Indonesia”

“That policy would certainly get Gillian Triggs’ support” said Shorthairs “What economic policies do you think I should pursue?”

“Without a doubt” replied Abbattman “you should promise to increase all entitlements, soak the rich, reintroduce the mining tax and promote superannuation as your personal piggy-bank”

“That’s absolutely brilliant” said Shorthairs “how on earth can I repay you for your advice?”

“You can announce a policy” replied Abbattman ”giving unions the power to award their own wage increases”


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

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