Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Baggage Handling

Baggage Handling

Friday 8 May, 2015
Biden and Kerryman try to figure out how on earth George W Bush became President when the best they could muster between them is Kerryman coming second.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash
Hillary is carrying an awful lot of baggage” remarked Obama

‘I know” said Biden “if she acquires any more we’ll have to get her a mobile carousel”

“There’s the Benghazi thing” said Obama “that email business and it looks like the Clinton Foundation has been secretly running the country rather than me”

“And there’s a lot of Whitewater” said Biden “that’s gone under the bridge”

“I’m getting a bit worried” said Obama “that the Republicans will compile such a big dirt file on her it will cause hygiene problems in our filing system”

“Do you think I should throw my hat in the ring” asked Biden “in a case Hillary gets kicked out of the baggage handlers union?”

“I’d have to think about that” replied Obama “it’s a question of whether the dynamic economy I’ve established would benefit more from being handed on to a man-handler or a pan-handler”

“Oh come on” said Biden ‘that’s a bit harsh given all the effort I’ve put into totally confusing the folks about Obamacare so they won’t realise it’s the biggest threat to public health since Asian flu”

“I’ll tell you what” said Obama “let’s call Kerryman in to see what he thinks. I’m not expecting he’ll say anything useful but when I talk to him it increases my confidence in my own intellectual capacity”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was taking a day off for a short back and sides at his favourite Georgetown barber.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama “who you think has got the best chance of becoming the next Democratic President Hillary or Joe?”

“Neither” replied Kerryman “I’m the best chance by far”

“You have to be joking” said Biden “when you got the nomination you couldn’t even beat George W Bush”

“You couldn’t even get the nomination against Hillary and Obama” said Kerryman “so if you tried again it would be like Jimmy Carter applying to become President of the Young Democrats”

“If you tried again” said Biden “you’d have about as much chance as Monica Lewinsky applying to become Hillary’s social secretary”

“Wait a minute you two” said Obama ‘Hillary’s got the advantage of being potentially the country’s first female president and commanding support from an overwhelming majority of women”

“But you’re forgetting” said Biden “that most of them have been much closer to Bill than Hillary”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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