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Franglais Communiques

Baling Out Of Bailouts

Baling Out Of Bailouts

Friday 26 February, 2016
Hugo Morthanigo, Friday Mash’s distinguished EU correspondent, talks to Greek Prime Minister Alexis Tsipras about the prospect of the UK leaving the EU and abrogating all responsibility for bailing out his country.
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Franglais by Hugo Morethanigo on Friday Mash

“Tell me Alexis” asked Hugo “is Greece still hanging in there?”

“I think it’s fair to say” replied Alexis “that if our economy doesn’t show signs of a resurrection by Easter we’ll apply for it to be granted economic refugee status in Germany”

“Have the Greek people got used to living in austerity?” asked Hugo

“On the contrary” replied Alexis “that’s become their aspirational lifestyle”

“What is your view of a possible Brexit?” asked Hugo

“I’m absolutely gobsmacked” replied Alexis “I can’t believe the UK would dream of withdrawing from the EU’s sponsorship of the Greek economy and abandon us to the tender mercies of the Salvos”

“So what action are you proposing to take?” asked Hugo

“I plan to do my utmost to ensure the UK doesn’t nick off” replied Alexis

“before they’ve contributed to our next bailout”

“How many economic refugees” asked Hugo “have migrated from Greece to the UK?”

“Things haven’t become that dire yet” replied Alexis “Greeks would have to be on the bare bones of their arses before they’d be prepared to put up with the UK weather not to mention the food. I can’t decide whether eating black
pudding is racist or masochist”

“In your judgement” asked Hugo “was the EU right to give in to the UK’s demands for greater self-determination?”

“Of course not” replied Alexis “if all EU members behaved like the UK it wouldn’t be worth mendicant countries like Portugal and us becoming members. We’d have to beg from the UN instead”

“If a Brexit happens” asked Hugo “how would Greece react?”

“First we’d adopt a wait and see position apart of course from trying our luck with another bailout application” replied Alexis “If the UK dropped its bundle and reapplied for membership we’ll piss ourselves laughing. If on the other hand if they prospered we’d apply to them for foreign aid to supplement our diminishing bailout returns from the Eurozone”

“What sort of relationship do you currently have with the UK?” asked Hugo

“Well we get seriously shitty with them from time to time for not playing ball with the Elgin Marbles” replied Alexis “but we’re closely related to their Royal Family and British tourists don’t seem to mind when we overcharge them outrageously for Retsina”

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About this Series
Hugo is the doyen of EU political commentators who took Berlusconi to his first bunga bunga party and advised Francois Hollande that with his taste in women he should never get married. His special understanding of EU financial policies is the blessing bestowed by going bankrupt a few times.

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