Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Biden his Time

Biden his Time

Friday 14 August, 2015
Kerryman and Obama debate whether to advise Biden to run for President and ensure the Democratic Party has a candidate with the gaffe-making potential to condemn Trump to political correctness.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“Look” said Biden “I’m thinking of running”

“That’s interesting” said Obama “it will really piss Hillary off not to mention Bill. And it would be such a hoot if you beat her”

“I was hoping I could count on your support” said Biden

“Joe I’m sure you understand” said Obama “that I have to be seen as absolutely neutral throughout the Democratic primaries much as I’d like to see you hobble Hillary”

“The critical point” said Biden “is that while Hillary has already started to treat your Presidential legacy as a pack of poo tickets my strategy on the other hand would be to embrace and enhance that legacy”

“Well that does put a new perspective on things” said Obama “On second thoughts maybe there are strings I can pull behind the scenes to ensure the real story on Benghazi finally comes out and the public understands that prior to the terrorist attack Hillary thought it was the capital of Saudi Arabia”

“Bingo” said Biden “that’s what I need to stand in the way of the Bushes doing a three-peat”

“What if you’re up against Trump?” asked Obama

“If I can prevent Hillary and Bill arranging the same fate for me as Cecil the Lion” said Biden “Trump would be a pushover pussycat”

“I’ll tell you what” said Obama “we should call in Kerryman for some advice. I was a successful Democratic nominee and he was a total stuff-up so between us we could give you both perspectives”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was rechecking the nuclear agreement with Iran to ensure that there wouldn’t be a nuclear fallout affecting his hair.

“Look here Kerryman” said Obama as he entered the Oval Office “Joe here is on the point of declaring his candidacy for President. What do you think?”

“It’s a great idea” said Kerry man “so long as he’s never dated Monica Lewinsky, never heard of Benghazi, always uses the official online network for government business and isn’t married to Bill he’s in with a good shot”

“I can confirm all that” said Biden

“There’s just one thing though” said Kerry man” Joe’s been vice-President for six and a half years and I can’t recall him ever doing anything”

“That’s an interesting point” said Obama

“Oh come on” said Biden “what about the great work I did on Obamacare

“I recall that you were the one who signed off on the original train-wreck website” said Obama

“Okay then” said Biden “what about the inspired contribution I’ve made to closing down Gitmo?”

“To be frank Joe” said Obama “your plan to redevelop it into the new home for the Cleveland Browns hasn’t gained much traction”

“All right then” said Biden “what about my initiatives to reduce carbon emissions?”

“Honestly Joe” said Kerryman “attaching solar panels to your lawnmower just doesn’t cut it. Frankly I can’t see you’ve got anything going for you”

“Unlike Hillary” said Biden “I would preserve the great foreign policy legacy that you and the President have put in place”

“Oh that’s different” said Kerryman “someone needs to stop that heretic Hillary. Now here’s what you should do…”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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