Malcolm’s Senate voting reforms are an absolute outrage.
They have completely stuffed my plans to launch the Public Bar Political Party in advance of this year’s election because my carefully nuanced campaign to take the Senate by storm was based on ‘preference whispering’ and shouting a few beers in view of our admittedly limited potential to attract votes.
Planning for the Party’s dramatic launch onto the Australian political landscape was well-advanced. I had arranged for 120 candidates representing public bars throughout Australia to stand in this year’s election buoyed by the unswerving support of their fellow patrons.
I’m aware that this is barely insufficient to get them elected but I’ve been particularly heartened by incremental support for the Party’s candidates from organisations like Binge Drinkers Anonymous and Paralytics for Peace.
But now Malcolm’s new voting rules have kyboshed all that. We’d now have no better chance of success at the upcoming election than Ricky Muir.
If however the independents vote to reintroduce the ABCC in April and so delay the federal election from July to September there could be a ray of hope.
It might give me time to reinvent myself as a cross between Trump and Pauline Hanson and lead the Public Bar Party in a resoundingly successful campaign on behalf of the pissed-off and pie-eyed politically.
In fact I can now reveal in strictest confidence that I have met with all the independents in the Senate at a confidential public bar conference in Canberra where I outlined details of an exciting plan to organise them into an even bigger parliamentary pain-in-the-arse than they already are. This has got to be good for parliamentary democracy and it’s an absolute scandal that Malcolm has acted so undemocratically to prevent it happening.
So if you’re concerned about things that really matter to ordinary hard-working Australians like opening hours, the price of beer, the threat to binge drinking, over-aggressive police breathalyser testing and equal drinking opportunities for women simply enquire at your local public bar about how you can join the Public Bar Party and lend your support to the vital principle that everyone in our Party holds so dear – no matter how hopelessly pissed and paralytic you are you’ve still got rights.