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The Pudding Club Pontifications

Bit of a Tickler Called Nicola

Bit of a Tickler Called Nicola

Friday 22 May, 2015
While elated at the Tory election victory Pudding Club members are wary of the longer term threat posed by Nicola especially to Scotland.
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The Pudding Club section Friday

Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera lunched last week on Roast Beef and Yorkshire Pudding and a celebratory magnum of Winston Churchill Pol Roger.

“What a relief” said His Lordship “although of course I never doubted that David could pull it off”

“When the English finally realised the dangers of a government run by meat-head Miliband and the virgin Sturgeon” said the General “it was all over bar the shouting. She’s such a one-arsed Scot that she probably raises the Scottish flag every time she pulls up her knickers”

“You have to feel sorry for Nigel though” said Sir Rah “more people voted for the party that aims to take the UK out of the EU than the party that aims to take Scotland out of the UK. Yet they got 56 seats and UKIP got just one”

“I think in recognition of his valiant efforts” said the General “we should make Nigel a honorary member of the Pudding Club, pledge to support his referendum campaign and what’s more stand shoulder to shoulder with him at the immigration centre in Dover”

“If the UK votes to leave the EU” asked His Lordship “will you be prepared to give up your paramour in Paris?”

“Good heavens no” replied the General “David has made absolutely clear that withdrawing from the EU wouldn’t in any way mean withdrawing from international affairs”

“I must say” said His Lordship “that the resignations of Miliband and Clegg had a tremendously cleansing effect on UK politics. It was like they’d been through a full wash-cycle and hung out to dry”

“Fancy that meat-head Miliband even dreaming he could be prime minister” said the General “he must’ve mistaken himself for his brother”

“I’ve been giving it a lot of thought” said Sir Rah “and I believe we should approach Nigel about starting up the English National Party. I’m sick of us being upbraided on all sides by the SNP, Plaid Cymru and the Democratic Unionist Party and it’s high time we stood up for ourselves”

“Damned fine thinking” said the General “and we should run ENP candidates in elections for the Scottish, Welsh and Northern Ireland parliaments as well as planning a referendum on English independence”

“Wait a minute” said His Lordship “I’m a Tory through and through and one of David’s most trusted confidantes. How would an English National Party relate to the Conservative party?”

“Yes I see what you mean” said the General “how about we rename the Conservatives the English Conservative Party?”

“There’s a challenging thought” said His Lordship “The party isn’t really appreciated across any of our borders and it could bring renewed national pride to the English”

“It could permanently cruel the party’s electoral chances in Scotland” said Sir Rah

“After another couple of years of the virgin Sturgeon” said the General “the Scots will be desperate for sassenach sex again”


About this Series
Located on the fashionable side of Pall Mall the Club is famous for counting some of the UK’s greatest political intellects among its members. Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera convene there regularly to create the brilliant insights which David relies on so much to keep the ship of state on course.

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