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Breaking up with Clive isn’t Hard to Do

Breaking up with Clive isn’t Hard to Do

Friday 5 December, 2014
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly has delivered a remarkable scoop from a wall in the consulting rooms of leading marriage counsellor Ima Splitter. He was in position when Jacqui Lambie came in to discuss whether she should break up with Clive. Here is his account of a cathartic consultation
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

Fly on the Wall

‘Now Jacqui’ said Ima ‘how long have you and Clive been in a committed relationship?’

‘Almost two years’ replied Jacqui ‘when I was preparing to stand for a Senate seat in Tasmania Clive seduced me into becoming Palmer United’

‘And when did you actually get hitched?’ asked Ima

‘Our engagement was confirmed at the 2013 election’ replied Jacqui ‘but I didn’t actually move in with him in Canberra until July this year’

‘How would you characterise your relationship with Clive?’ asked Ima

‘At first we were very close’ replied Jacqui ‘I was very attracted by the package he offered but things started to go wrong when I realised that he was only lusting after me for my vote and wasn’t the least bit interested in my mind’

‘I see’ said Ima ‘what are examples of his lack of respect for your intellect?’

‘First of all’ replied Jacqui ‘I advised him to go on a obesity emissions scheme at Jenny Craig but he told me that was a fat lot of good’

‘Would you say’ asked Ima ‘that this was the point where your relationship with Clive started to crumble?’

‘There was no going back’ replied Jacqui ‘after I found he was being unfaithful with Tony Abbott behind my back’

‘What other ideas of yours did he reject?’ asked Ima

‘He told me my concept of Australia adapting Tasmania as an official charity’ replied Jacqui ‘was a meat-headed misinterpretation of the concept of a welfare state’

‘How utterly up himself’ commented Ima

‘But wait for it’ said Jacqui ‘he claimed my higher pay increase policy for the armed forces would encourage war-mongering’

‘You’re joking’ said Ima

‘No I’m not’ said Jacqui ‘Clive even rejected my inspired idea to sell off all the equipment we capture from ISIL and share out the proceeds between all members of the armed forces’

‘Unbelievable’ said Ima

‘The final straw’ said Jacqui ‘was when he started calling me things like ‘delusional’, ‘drama queen’, ‘spy’, and ‘ungrateful’. What should I do?’

‘Leave the bastard’ replied Ima

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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