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Indiana Joe Crusades

The Budget Fix Is In

The Budget Fix Is In

Friday 17 October, 2014
This report takes you inside the PM’s office to experience the economic genius of Tony and Joe being applied to getting the budget passed by confusing the hell out of everybody.
The story starts here...

Indiana Joe and the Raiders of the Lost Budget Surplus

‘Listen Tony’ said Joe ‘there are now a whole lot of foreign Raiders dedicated to preventing me reaching the Holy Grail of the Lost Surplus’

‘I wish they’d make a bid for the NBN’ said Tony

‘I don’t mean corporate raiders’ said Joe ‘ but rather people like ISIL who don’t give a Syrian stuff about my budget’

‘I understand the problem’ said Tony ‘but I doubt whether it’s worth asking for ISIL’s assistance while we’re bombing them’

‘It’s just not fair’ said Joe ‘if people like ISIL are short of money they rob a bank or annexe an oilfield but I can’t even get cabinet approval for fixing my budget by fatally stabbing Bill, Christine and Clive’

‘Look Joe’ said Tony ‘if we start doing things like that the next Labor Government might have the gall to make me face a Royal Commission’

‘Then there’s Malaysian Airlines’ said Joe ‘it’s costing us a fortune to look for their missing planes’

‘I’ll tell you what’ said Tony ‘when Putin comes here for the G20 we could kidnap him and hold him to ransom for the money it cost us to go to Ukraine and investigate that plane he shot down’

‘Can you seriously imagine anyone paying anything to get him back?’ asked Joe ‘They’d pay us more to keep him here. China’s another problem because they’re not paying enough for our iron ore and they’ve slapped a tariff on coal imports’

‘That’s all Clive’s fault’ said Tony ‘The Chinese must think that if he doesn’t give a four-penny about helping us with the budget why the hell should they bother’

‘Do we need to spend so much on bombing ISIL?’ asked Joe

‘Absolutely’ replied Tony ‘it’s done wonders for my approval rating’

‘But the Senate won’t allow me to recoup those costs through tax increases or cost cutting’ said Joe ‘and I don’t think the union slush funds being recouped by the Royal Commission will be enough to cover them’

‘Joe look’ said Tony earnestly ‘all of us in cabinet are extremely supportive of your campaign to find the Holy Grail of the Lost Surplus but currently we face even higher priorities like reassuring China that we agree with their assessment of Clive as a diabolical dumpling and convincing Christine Milne that the ban on travel to the Islamic State doesn’t apply to her’

‘But seriously Tony’ said Joe ‘we’ve got to take some tough decisions on fixing the budget mess’

‘I agree’ said Tony ‘I’ll have another shot at persuading Gina Rinehart to fund paid parental leave’

Comments

About this Series
Joe has dedicated himself to finding the Holy Grail of the Lost Surplus despite the resolute efforts of Raiders to thwart him. His crusade to get his budget through the Senate is blocked by rampant Raiders like Bill, Christine and Clive but Joe will find a way even if it means doctors making co-payments to patients.

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