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Dick Head Interviews

Budget Smuggling

Budget Smuggling

Friday 15 May, 2015
Friday Mash’s renowned Canberra correspondent Dick Head explains what you always wanted to know about the politics of creating a budget but went off the idea after Wayne Swan
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

The Dick Head Budget Analysis

Joe wants his second budget to be his return benchmark in economic management but Bill Shorten is determined it should rather mark a return to the backbench for both him and Tony.

When Bill started to denounce the budget as unfair even before Joe had started developing it Tony realised that extraordinary measures would have to be taken to prevent it causing another spill.

Having given Joe his unqualified support he realised that firing him pre-budget would cause a right royal shemozzle similar to the one he experienced after knighting Prince Philip.

He therefore considered a range of other intriguing options. For example he could have contracted out the budget development to Peter Costello but decided on balance that might be counter-productive because Peter was a surplus specialist with very little experience of deficits.

If however against all the odds the move turned out to be a success he perceived it could lead logically to demands that he contract out his own job as well to John Howard.

On the other hand he reflected he could always call up Malcolm to do the heavy lifting behind the scenes. That ploy however had the potential snag that Malcolm was so good at budgets that the end product would be far too brilliant to be passed off as the work of economic plonkers like Joe and himself.

Then suddenly the answer came to him, Scott Morrison.

He could get Scott both to fix up the budget and go out and sell it and then by the time Joe presented it everything would be done and dusted and no one would be at all concerned with the trifling issue that he didn’t know what he was talking about.

The whole plan turned out to be incredibly inspired because anyone who attacked Joe was accused of shooting the messenger and anyone who attacked Scott was referred to the Treasurer.

In the final analysis however the only people whose budget opinions really matter are Jacqui Lambie, Nick Xenophon, the Brick with Eyes, Ricky Muir and the Greens.

Obviously Tony needs to recruit the services of someone with the required specialist skills to convince them of the budget’s merit. He is currently reviewing a list of candidates for the job who all have impressive track records in educating people with disabilities.

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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