Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Calling in the Cavalry on Trump

Calling in the Cavalry on Trump

Friday 5 February, 2016
It is none other than Kerryman who finally comes up with a breakthrough strategy to dump Trump.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“It’s almost inconceivable” said Obama “that one year from now I will no longer be President”

“That’s nothing” said Biden “I won’t even be vice-President. How on earth can the country hope to survive?”

“At least” said Obama “I’ll be able to start basking in the reflected glory of my Presidential legacy”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that” said Biden “because people are blaming you for Trump and if he becomes President your legacy will be reduced to a leftover”

“But how the hell can Trump possibly be my fault?” asked Obama

“Because the folks are mightily pissed off that you’ve failed to lead them to the Promised Land” replied Biden “and so going to hell in a hand-basket with Trump seems by comparison a religious calling”

“But surely Hillary can stop Trump” said Obama

“The folks see Hillary as part of the problem” said Biden “because the FBI are refusing to give her a reference”

“This is a looming crisis” cried Obama “because my precious legacy is in danger of being Trumped. What can we do? Where the hell is Kerryman when I need him?”

“He’s in China” replied Biden “Don’t tell me you believe he could actually help”

“Trump’s totally devoid of logic and common sense” said Obama ‘and Kerryman is the only other person I know possessed of the same qualities”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was having his hair chopped suey style by a Peking barber.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama when he arrived at the White House

“how can we terminate Trump’s threat to trash my Presidential legacy?”

“Well if things are really that dire” replied Kerryman “I suppose I could step up to the plate but I thought Hillary was batting well over three hundred”

“She’s getting belted by Bernie” said Obama “because people are beginning to believe he can deliver all the things I promised but flunked out on. And if you stood as a candidate I’m afraid Trump would deliver you to McDonalds as pre-minced burgers”

“I’ve got it” said Kerryman “we should persuade Oprah to stand. She’s got all the qualities needed to become President. She isn’t a politician, she’s never been married to Bill, she’s less loony than Trump or Bernie, she’s a woman, she’s black, she’s never had her own show on Fox News and she might even be a Democrat”

“Brilliant thinking” said Obama ‘but would she be able to mount a campaign at such short notice?”

“Of course” replied Kerryman “she’s owns her own tv channel”

“Great” said Obama “I’ll change my will immediately and leave my legacy to her”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
Share with
Sign up for Mailing List

powered by MailChimp!


You may also like...

Ins and Outs of Brexit
Pudding Club members discuss how far the UK should go in Brexiting...
Loss Leader Strategy
Lucy reports on the post Bennelong by-election session she had with...
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in the career advisor’s...
Don’t Kill Bill
Ged and Sally call in Bill to discuss why his career at the AWU is...
Nicking Off
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall at a meeting of the SA...
In His Bad Books
Celebrated Canberra correspondent Dick Head interviews Kevin Rudd on...