Indiana Joe Crusades

“Look Joe” said Miss Triss his aged and trusted assistant “you’re due to present the budget in just over a week and I haven’t started typing it yet”

“Don’t blame me” said Joe “Tony has been away overseas so I haven’t been able to finalise anything”

“Well we’ll just have to get on and complete it without him” said Miss Triss “He’s not much use at this sort of thing anyway”

“I’m still hoping that the Royal Commission into the Unions will discover the Holy Grail of the Lost Surplus in time for the budget” said Joe “I feel sure that Raiders from the unions have buried it in a garden somewhere”

“Look Joe” said Miss Triss “if you’re all that keen to deliver the Holy Grail of the Lost Surplus in this budget why don’t you just go ahead and do it? You can discover it simply by cutting back on all spending and increasing the GST. By the time Tony gets back it will be a fait accompli”

“Why on earth didn’t I think of that myself” exclaimed Joe “It’s now in my power to tell all the do-gooders, hand-wringers, Greens, bludgers and left-wing loonies to go and get rooted because I’m about to deliver a serendipitous surplus”

“I think it might be prudent” said Miss Triss “before you push any buttons to go and have a word with Glenn Stevens at the Reserve on the off-chance he can foresee any problems”

That very afternoon Glenn responded to the Treasurer’s invitation to pop in for a chat.

“Hi Glenn” said Joe “I just want to discuss a new economic policy with you. I plan to announce a budget surplus on May 12th”

Glenn couldn’t have been more shocked if he’d just found out that the price of iron ore had fallen to 50 cents a tonne.
“I’ve got a friend who is a specialist in mental malfunction” he said “and I can get you an emergency appointment”

“Look I’m serious” said Joe ‘in fact very seriously pissed off at all the slagging I’m getting for delivering deficits. I promised to deliver a surplus so that’s exactly what I’m going to do”

“You do realise of course” said Glenn “that as a result the country won’t be able to afford enough police, hospitals, schools and social services, employment will soar, we won’t be old to defend ourselves against terrorism and we won’t be able to afford to reduce carbon emissions”

“There you are” said Joe “I knew there would be a benefit somewhere. What’s more Australia will retain its AAA credit rating and I’ll surge ahead of Wayne Swan in the surplus stakes”

“Sorry Joe” said Glenn “nice try but it’s an absolute crock. If you delivered a budget like that the Senate would go into a feeding frenzy and you and Tony would find your arses on the backbench before you could say “come in Malcolm””

“Well thanks Glenn” said Joe “glad I checked”

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