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Dick Head Interviews

Campbell Newman Strikes Back

Campbell Newman Strikes Back

Friday 10 October, 2014
In this probing interview with Campbell Newman, Dick Head examines whether the Senate Inquiry into him is a witch-hunt or a sign that Clive thinks he’s a witch doctor.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

Dick Head Interviews


‘Now tell me Cam’ said Dick ‘what is the exact nature of your relationship with Clive?’

‘It’s exactly the same as my relationship with any other terrorist organisation’ replied Campbell

‘So how are you going to respond’ asked Dick ‘to the terror threat of a Senate Inquiry’

‘I’m pulling together a strong coalition of states and territories’ replied Campbell ‘This Inquiry is the first step in Clive’s insidious plot to convert Australia into a Clive-iphate. It will be followed up by Inquiries into NSW, Victoria and everybody else’

‘How are you planning to contain this threat?’ asked Dick

‘I’ve already thwarted Clive’s first plot’ replied Campbell ‘to take over Queensland through the combined strength of Palmer United mines, Palmer United Railways and Palmer United Ports. Next I’m going to desensitise the Senate Inquiry by redirecting it at Clive’

‘How exactly does Clive plan to use the Senate Inquiry to take over Queensland?’ asked Dick

‘The Inquiry will be dominated by Senators who are either PUP or loony left’ replied Campbell ‘they’re sure to conclude that I’m governing Queensland in a manner reminiscent of George W Bush and then shit-can me in a report which will be released in the lead-up to the next Queensland state election. Clive then plans to exploit this travesty by gaining a PUP majority in the Queensland Parliament and then declaring Queensland a Clive-iphate’


‘What is Clive’s ultimate aim?’ asked Dick

‘I’m not sure whether it’s an Australian Clive-iphate’ replied Campbell ‘or a worldwide version. So it’s absolutely vital that his nefarious plans are nobbled at birth in Queensland. I’ve already had PUP listed here as a terrorist organisation and I’ve asked Obama for tactical air support’

‘What political initiatives will you be taking?’ asked Dick

‘I’m setting up a Queensland Government Inquiry’ replied Campbell ‘into the Senate Inquiry into the Queensland Government. This should hold up the Senate Inquiry for years because each time I’m called before the Senate Inquiry I’ll arrange to be appearing before the Queensland Government Inquiry into them’

‘So after Clive’s been stopped in his tracks’ said Dick ‘what will happen to him?’

‘I think he’ll anchor himself just off the Sunshine Coast’ said Campbell ‘in a renewed campaign to attract floating voters’

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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