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Dirty Deeds of
Jacqui and Clive

Chasing the Impossible Dream of Good Government in Queensland

Chasing the Impossible Dream of Good Government in Queensland

Friday 24 October, 2014
In their latest thrilling misadventure Jacqui and Clive's daring coup to take over the government of Queensland hits a political snag.
The story starts here...

Adventures of Jacqui Lambie and Clive Palmer on FridayMash

As Campbell Newman was hard at work at his desk diligently pursuing the affairs of state his office door burst open to admit that most notorious of desperado duos Jacqui and Clive.

‘This is a raid’ announced Jacqui

‘We’re annexing the Queensland Government’ said Clive

‘Get stuffed’ said Campbell ‘you can’t do that. this is a democracy so you’ll have to wait to have a shot at the next state election like everyone else’

‘You’re making such a pig’s ear of running the joint’ said Jacqui ‘that we can’t wait. If Clive doesn’t get all his mining applications approved by Christmas he may have to give up his executive jet and book two adjoining seats on Jetstar instead’

‘Where on earth’ asked Campbell ‘did you get the brain infected idea that you could just march in here and take over a democratically elected government? You must be as democratically challenged as Julia Gillard and Eddie Obeid’

‘Here’s how it’s going to happen’ announced Clive ‘ the major problem round here is there’s no upper house to keep your reckless right wing rat-baggery in check. So folloiwng her brilliant career as a senator in Canberra I’m arranging for Jacqui to become the Queensland Senate’

‘You just can’t appoint somebody as the Senate’ said Campbell ‘she’s got to be elected’

‘I’m aware of that’ said Clive ‘so I’ve arranged a snap Queensland Senate election. All those in favour of Jacquie being elected as the Queensland State Senate raise your hands, now those against. I declare Jacqui duly elected by two votes to one’

‘There’s no place round here’ said Campbell ‘ where a Senate can sit’

‘That’s no problem’ said Clive ‘once you pass legislation in the Lower House you simply give Jacqui a ring to see if she’s prepared to pass it as well. Obviously in the interests of Queensland she’ll reject most of the legislative lunacy you come up with’

‘But government won’t work if she rejects everything’ protested Campbell

‘I’ll guarantee to approve any development applications from Clive’ said Jacqui

‘How will this affect the Senate Inquiry into my government?’ asked Campbell

‘Well that Inquiry is being run by PUP’ said Clive ‘ so the chances are that once Jacqui stops you doing any grotty governing you’ll escape being PUPped on’

‘There’s just one problem’ said Campbell ‘ the establishment of a Senate in Queensland is no local matter. It requires the assent of federal parliament, the Queen, the UN as well as a number of inquiries and a referendum’

‘Oh shit’ said Clive ‘ I hadn’t thought of that. I’ll have to pop down to Canberra to see if Tony will agree to fast track the process in return for me agreeing to pass the rest of his braindead budget’

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About this Series
This daring duo continue to carry out a series of daring raids and hold-ups on their political opponents. Clive is the brains behind this rip-roaring rampage as well as supplying the money and adding weight to its operations. Jacqui adds a certain je ne sais quoi but nobody knows what it is.

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