Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Climate of Terror

Climate of Terror

Friday 11 December, 2015
Kerryman convinces Obama that terrorism is the main cause of climate change.
The story starts here...

Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“My mission” said Obama “is to make the world aware that climate change is a bigger threat than terrorism”

“On the other hand” said Biden “you might consider that terrorism is a major cause of climate change. Wars emit many thousands of tonnes of carbon”

“Interesting point Joe” said Obama “but that’s more of a Republican way of looking at things. As you know I’m more of a Nobel Peace Prize kind of a guy so I’m more inclined to blame climate change for terrorism”

“But if we knocked off Islamic State first” said Joe “it would leave us free to concentrate on climate change. On the other hand if we concentrate on climate change as the first priority it would simply encourage Islamic State to spread their carbon footprint all over the world”

“Yes I see that” said Obama “but I’ve got the Paris Climate Summit to think about. I need to come out of that looking like the hero who saved the world”

“But you still won’t look as big a hero as Hollande” said Biden “who saved Paris from the terrorists”

“On the slim chance that you’re right” said Obama “we need to consult with the best available minds to help us make the right decision”

“Well” said Biden “Kerryman’s our guy across both issues”

“No wonder we’re so confused” said Obama “Ok let’s call him in if that’s our only option”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was hirsute in Beirut but he got a trim on the Hairoplane during the flight back.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama “Joe and I can’t decide which is the greater threat climate change or terrorism”

“Well it’s really quite simple” said Kerryman “either you have to convince the Climate Summit in Paris that defeating Islamic State is the best way to tackle climate change or force Islamic State to make a fifty percent reduction in carbon emissions by 2030 so that you can defeat them and tackle climate change at the same time”

“But if I try to impose a fifty percent reduction in emissions” said Obama

“surely Islamic State will tell me to go and get whooped”

“That’s fair” said Kerryman

“So how the hell” asked Obama “do I persuade the Summit that the number one climate priority is defeating terrorism?”

“You simply remind them that Islamic State is a bunch of climate change sceptics” replied Kerryman “and if they’re allowed to continue imposing their distorted global warming religion around the world temperatures will rise well above two degrees celsius”

“Now” declared Obama “that’s a cause worth fighting for”


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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