Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

The Oracle Of Omniscience comes up with a brilliant initiative to assuage the grief of Abbott supporters.

Closed Shop

Closed Shop

Friday 30 October, 2015
Malcolm guides Ged Kearney and Dave Oliver down the path to a Royal Commission-free future for the unions.
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Dial Triple O for Malcolm the Oracle

‘What the hell are we going to do now?” asked Ged Kearney

“Stuffed if I know” replied Dave Oliver “I can’t believe Bill has sold us out over the China FTA”

“We’ve been diabolically dudded” said Ged “the union movement has poured millions into making Bill a Labor leader who does what we tell him and just look how he’s repaid us”

“He was clearly thinking of the country as a whole rather than us” asserted Dave “and he was selfishly trying to prevent his own miserable approval rating falling below ten. It’s unconscionable”

“It’s up to us to show leadership” said Ged “we can’t just sit here because all we can hope for is support from the Greens and you know what that did for Julia”

“I know” said Dave “why don’t we dial Triple O for Malcolm the Oracle of Omniscience, he’ll know what to do”

The Oracle materialised the very next day.

“Oh Oracle” said Ged “we desperately need the benefit of your peerless omniscience. Bill has agreed to the China FTA and left us looking like coalminers at a Climate Change Conference. Whatever can we do?”

“Fret not” said Malcolm “my omniscience is already closing in on a solution. Yes here it is. You must abandon the old-fashioned notion of unionism and collective bargaining and become an employment agency”

“What” yelled Dave “you can’t be serious”

“My omniscience is invariably infallible” said Malcolm “Instead of waging outdated industrial warfare think how much more useful you’d become if you found jobs for workers instead of merely finding seats in parliament for union executives who have already got jobs”

“But workers would be exploited” claimed Dave “without the support of collective bargaining and activists like us putting the heavy word on management”

“Surely you’ve heard of Work Choices” said Malcolm “If that programme was combined with the China FTA it would create millions of new jobs and millions of dollars for you from placing workers in them”

“But wouldn’t we be hauled in front of another Royal Commission?” asked Ged

“for taking payments from companies in return for setting workers’ pay and conditions?”

“Of course not” replied Malcolm “that’s what employment agencies do legitimately”

“Oh thank you so much dear Oracle” said Ged “it means that Dave and I can realise our aspirations and become useful citizens at last”


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