Abbott into Abbattman
Containing the Contagion of Clive
Tony Abbott was just about to go out for shirt-fronting practice when the Abbattphone rang.
‘Abbattoperations thinks it advisable to hide Clive away during the G20’ said Bronnie who was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ ‘because they believe he’ll cause global alarm by gate-crashing it. Obviously we’d prefer not to do anything drastic like kidnapping him and keeping him under sedation for the duration of the G20 so your mission is to convince him he’s got Ebola symptoms and persuade him to go into isolation voluntarily’
Tony didn’t need to spend time with Abbattintelligence on in-depth analysis and planning for this mission because he already had the technology to guarantee its success, an instant Turkish Bath spray gun. This ingenious state-of-the-art technology emits intense clouds of steam capable of inducing instant profuse perspiration and temperature rises in people in close proximity. Medical testing has confirmed these symptoms are virtually the same as those experienced by Ebola sufferers.
Tony was in a state of complete Abbattmission readiness within an hour or two. As soon as Bronnie had completed the mission countdown from Abbattapad HQ, Abbattman accelerated the Abbattbike on course to Parliament House and, in view of the fact that security there had given up trying to stop him, in no time at all he pulled up beside Clive’s desk and presented him with his office door.
‘Get rooted you pusillanimous little poofter’ yelled Clive ‘those are the worst legs I’ve seen in tights since the last Mardi Gras parade’
‘Take heed O capacious Clive’ said Abbattman ‘I have come to help you make a selfless contribution to health and wellbeing of the world’
‘Oh great’ said Clive ‘you’ve come to tell me Tony’s inviting me to the G20 so I can tell them all how to get their shit together’
‘Not exactly’ said Abbattman ‘he wants you to get lost. He believes you’re a bigger threat to the G20 than Putin, ISIL and Sarah Hanson Young all put together’
‘Why Sarah?’ asked Clive
‘Because she’ll insist all the delegates are granted asylum’ said Abbattman ‘without the need for off-shore processing’
‘Look’ said Clive ‘I simply intend to give the G20 the benefit of my economic genius because that’s way ahead of anything Abbott and Hockey can contribute and it will make their trip here worthwhile’
At that point Abbattman realised there was no chance of success without the intervention of the Turkish Bath spray gun. Clive was instantly enveloped in intense clouds of steam.
‘You’re looking awfully hot under the collar’ said Abbattman ‘I’d better take your temperature’
With that he thrust a thermometer into Clive’s Chinese food supply channel..
‘Dear oh dear Clive’ said Abbattman ‘you’re showing elevated temperature levels symptomatic of Ebola. By sheer co-incidence I have a quarantine truck outside ready to transport you to a remote place where you won’t be a menace to society or the G20’
‘Oh Lord’ said Clive ‘I hate Hobart’