Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Coping With Groping

Coping With Groping

Friday 21 October, 2016
Kerryman Coping With Groping Obama and Biden warn Kerryman that he could face an October groping ambush from Trump even if he’s been merely feeling his way around. “Well that’s a relief” sighed Obama “it looks like we’ve finally reached Trump’s last stand” “I wouldn’t be too sure of that” cautioned Biden “this is the […]
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Kerryman
Coping With Groping

Obama and Biden warn Kerryman that he could face an October groping ambush from Trump even if he’s been merely feeling his way around.

“Well that’s a relief” sighed Obama “it looks like we’ve finally reached Trump’s last stand”

“I wouldn’t be too sure of that” cautioned Biden “this is the ambush season for Presidential candidates and so Whitewater, Benghazi or Lewinsky vengeance could be awaiting Hillary round any corner”

“Surely you don’t suspect” gasped Obama anxiously “that Hillary’s been into groping as well”

“It’s unlikely” admitted Biden “but there is a chance it could run in the family. And now that Trump’s getting desperate there’s no cesspit too deep for him to slither into”

“You don’t think there’s a chance he might start flinging round mucky stuff about me do you?” asked Obama apprehensively

“Well” responded Biden “if we hear reports about him buying a large fan we should probably start to get worried”

“This is getting out of hand” observed Obama “Michelle tells me that when Trump aims low I should aim high but his main driving force seems to be between his legs”

“Any leading figure in the Democratic Party could be ambush roadkill for Trump” asserted Biden “a klutz like Kerryman for example is a prime target”

“You’re right Joe” confirmed Obama “we’d better warn him before he gets scalped in a Trump ambush and ends up being fatally light-headed”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was trying to cut a deal on Syria at the same time as the barber at the UN was trying to cut his hair so he was managing to get clipped on all sides.
“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama sternly when he was ushered into the presence “there’s an imminent danger of Trump severely trashing the most obvious douchebags in the Democratic Party so we thought we’d better warn you”

“I don’t see why I should be a target” opined Kerryman “I’ve spent the last six months groping for a solution in Syria”

“That’s the problem” pointed out Obama “Trump is desperate for proof that Democrats grope as well”

“But how on earth” enquired Kerryman “am I supposed to conduct foreign affairs on behalf of the nation if I can’t grope for answers?”

“Isn’t there some other way” asked Obama “of going about things?”

“But if I’m trying to resolve a really complex situation” explained Kerryman “and am struggling to cope, it’s no good giving up hope or calling the Pope I just have to grope”

“Well I guess that’s ok” allowed Obama “as long as there’s no women involved”

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About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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