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The Pudding Club Pontifications

Cure for Incontinence

Cure for Incontinence

Friday 29 January, 2016
Pudding Club members are divided on the merits of quitting the EU but are concerned by the leaks about whether the UK’s going to be incontinent or not.
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The Pudding Club section Friday Mash.com

Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera lunched last week on Tournedos Rossini and were further fortified against wintry weather conditions by the restorative robustness of a Manfredi Barolo 2008.

“I say” said His Lordship “David’s got his work cut out trying to renegotiate the terms of our EU membership”

“Well” said the General “all I can say is thank God for the English Channel. I’ll have a flotilla standing by and if those utter cads on the continent don’t give us the discount we deserve I’ll order it to sail for Dunkirk at a moment’s notice and pick up vital assets like my Parisian mistress”

“Actually” said Sir Rah “this is all quite serious. If David fails in his bid for an EU discount and we vote to get out then clarets and BMWs would become a lot more expensive and we could lose Scotland”

“Good riddance” exclaimed the General “that Edinburgh Tattoo makes the army look like a bigger circus than it actually is”

“I must say” said His Lordship “that membership of the EU has brought us more than we bargained for like the annual bailout of Greece, detailed specifications for sausages, hordes of refugees, asylum seekers and illegal immigrants and of course UKIP”

David’s actually in the most awful bind” pronounced the General “because he wants to stay in the EU while his country and his party want out and the Krauts and Frogs won’t bail him out as readily as Greece”

“I do so agree” chimed in Sir Rah “but there is the not insignificant point that our departure from the EU would leave a massive hole and I’m not just referring to the Greek economy. Brussels of course wouldn’t miss Nigel but they’d miss not having anywhere to send refugees beyond Calais”

“What David has to achieve” said His Lordship authoritatively “is a huge drop in our EU membership fees and agreement that we should only accept refugees who show distinct promise at cricket or rugby and don’t expect entitlements like a scholarship to Eton”

“Hear, hear” said the General “and what’s more we should bear no further responsibility for maintaining the Greek standard of living at austerity levels, subsidising Francois Hollande’s mistresses and paying for one million Syrian refugees in Germany to receive treatment for chronic indigestion caused by eating too many sausages”

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About this Series
Located on the fashionable side of Pall Mall the Club is famous for counting some of the UK’s greatest political intellects among its members. Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera convene there regularly to create the brilliant insights which David relies on so much to keep the ship of state on course.

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