Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Desperate Times

Desperate Times

Friday 10 June, 2016
Fred Plodge, Australia’s most frequently shouted public bar commentator on politics, explains that he’s as excited about the election campaign as he is about the prospect of reading Ricky Muir’s political memoirs.
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Public Bar Politics - a FridayMash satirical series

People often come up to me in the bar for advice about who they should vote for and would you believe for the first time in my life it’s a question I don’t feel competent to answer.

In all my years as a noted political pundit this is the first election campaign which has not only failed to engage my emotions but hasn’t even provoked me to complain to the ABC or the Murdoch press about political bias.

I just can’t seem to work up any enthusiasm.

There’s Malcolm smiling benignly and feeding the chooks while I’m left wondering whether he’s just a front man for Tony and Peta Credlin who are primed to take over again once he’s won the election for them.

I expected him to demolish Bill in the debates but all I get is the sort of boring as batshit lecture on economics I’d expect at a university if ever I can find one that will have me.

Bill gives me such an overwhelming impression that he’s an ACTU android that I am chronically incapable of viewing him as a human being who is actually capable of running the country.

Each time he opens his mouth he promises to spend money. It’s impossible to believe there’s that much money in the country let alone the Treasury. Where on earth he could source it all from only the Greens might possibly know but there again perhaps they’re only another leading authority on how to spend it because their ideas on recycling or reusing just don’t seem to work with money.

Australia is desperately in need of any economic miracle but Bill seems much more consumed by protecting the CFMEU from efforts to prevent it behaving on building sites like Queensland forwards playing Origin.

Voting for Richard Di Natale would be like opting to give your wife a no-limit credit card to spend on clothes.

Richard’s spending promises make Bill Shorten look like Scrooge with a cash-flow problem. Perhaps some clue as to where the Greens think that money comes from is their obsession with saving trees.

The election is making me feel so desperate that I’m thinking of moving to Tasmania so I can vote for Jacqui.

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About this Series
Fred Plodge is widely acclaimed as Australia’s premier pub commentator on politics and international affairs. Pub patrons throughout Sydney look to Fred as their most unfailingly reliable source of current affairs commentary. Fred’s insight seems to reach full potential after around six schooners and this has led to a feeling amongst patrons that by comparison the commentary from most politicians falls a few schooners short.

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