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The Pudding Club Pontifications

Desperately Saving David Cameron

Desperately Saving David Cameron

Friday 13 March, 2015
Pudding Club members come up with a brilliant strategy to convert Conservative Party thinking from long to short-term while deducing that a coalition with Nigel is the least worst of all possible election outcomes.
The story starts here...

The Pudding Club section Friday
Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera lunched last week on roast beef, Yorkshire Pudding, for which the Club is justly famous, and a most mellifluous Chateauneuf du Pape.

“I say” said His Lordship “it’s going to be almost impossible for David to win the election outright”

“It’s a real bummer” said the General “and I don’t know anybody who wants Miliband as prime minister who either doesn’t belong to a union or hasn’t adopted unemployment as their long-term career of choice”

“The country seems destined to have another coalition government” said Sir Rah “comprised of either Labour and the SNP or the Conservatives and UKIP”

“That means Nigel is our only chance of getting off Scot-free” said the General

“David’s problem is that he’s talking long-term plans” said Sir Rah “when most people are consumed with scraping together enough cash to go to the pub tonight”

“Damned good thought” said His Lordship “but it’s obvious David has got to cut through by promising to do something absolutely stunning the week after he’s elected”

“You mean like cutting the fees at Eton?” asked the General

“No certainly not said His Lordship “I mean something that will electrify the whole nation”

“Oh I see” said the General “you mean like renaming the Falkland Islands the Thatchers”

“I see where you are going with that” said His Lordship “but I was rather thinking of something that would have a favourable impact on everyone’s hip pocket”

“You mean like shouting everyone a drink” said the General “to celebrate his victory?”

“What I rather had in mind” said His Lordship “is that everyone in the country gets a free return ticket to Brussels to go and experience for themselves the absolute bloody shambles that is the EU Parliament”

“But if they suddenly get millions of extra visitors” said Sir Rah “won’t this cause even more chaos?”

“It’s such an utter shit-fight” replied His Lordship “no one would notice. But it would help even people like Clegg to understand that if we don’t get out of that continental cock-up soon the Syriza Party will be in power here as well”

“Do you really think” asked Sir Rah “that a promise of a free return ticket to Brussels will sway the electorate in favour of David?”

“Well perhaps not” said His Lordship “but he could probably throw in a free lunch as well. Obviously there would be millions that won’t take up the offer but everyone will be ecstatic that a politician like David has actually delivered on a promise even after having won the election”

“Do you think Nigel would support this policy?” asked the General

“I think he would volunteer” said His Lordship “to lead conducted tours round the EU Parliament in person and explain the outstanding contribution he’s made to making it the barking brain-dead bureaucracy it has become today”


About this Series
Located on the fashionable side of Pall Mall the Club is famous for counting some of the UK’s greatest political intellects among its members. Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera convene there regularly to create the brilliant insights which David relies on so much to keep the ship of state on course.

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