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Dick Head Interviews

The Dick Head Predictions for 2015

The Dick Head Predictions for 2015

Friday 2 January, 2015
The major political parties never finalise their plans for the upcoming year before they’ve read the predictions of our sagacious Canberra correspondent
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash

Dick Head Special Report

The major political parties never finalise their plans for the upcoming year before they’ve read the predictions of our sagacious Canberra correspondent.

  • Clive will undertake a waist recycling programme.
  • Sarah Hanson Young will be the keynote speaker at the people smugglers’ annual business development forum.
  • Jacqui Lambie will announce that she’s the best qualified person in Australia to become prime minister and will appoint Eddie Obeid and Joe Tripodi as her power brokers.
  • Joe Hockey will announce the cancellation of his budget surplus policy citing lack of interest in the Senate.
  • The charisma-free zone of Peter Dutton will prove ideally suited as Scott Morrison’s successor for saying nothing about Operation Sovereign Borders.
  • Bill Shorten will spend the entire year promising to release his policies well before the 2016 election.
  • There will be a Royal Commission into how on earth some people got elected to the Senate.
  • The Greens will go into a frenzy of excitement about the Climate Change Conference in Paris especially if China promises to stop increasing emissions a year earlier in 2029.
  • The remaining terrorists in Guantanamo Bay will be released on bail by visiting Australian magistrates.
  • Peta Credlin will apply for a carer’s allowance.
  • Kevin Rudd will announce his candidacy to be President of Australia and guarantee that a republic will be delayed for at least another ten years.
  • The NSW State Labor Party will change its leader at least three times before shutting down for a year to decide whether there’s any point to it staying in politics.
  • The government will introduce a new co-payment policy where the doctor pays the patient. This is designed to increase competition between doctors because they can decide how much they pay.
  • Tony will break all his New Year Resolutions because after all they’re only promises to himself.
  • Julian Assange, the Islamic Jihad Party and the whole population of Tasmania will announce their candidacies for the Senate.
  • As a move to promote more efficient operations in parliament Bronnie will suspend Labor MPs before they enter the chamber for question time.
  • The ABC will make further cuts to Q&A reducing the panel from five to four by eliminating the token right- wingers.

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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