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A Hole Comments

Dick Head Special Report Paris Climate Summit

Dick Head Special Report Paris Climate Summit

Friday 4 December, 2015
Friday Mash has despatched Dick Head to the Summit at enormous expense to bring our readers up-to-the-minute exclusive reports on the momentous international agreements being designed to increase electricity bills globally.
The story starts here...

A Hole Comments on FridayMash

It is so cold here in Paris at the moment that I’m extremely grateful the terrorists didn’t blow up the local power station. Delegates to the Summit are finding it really hard to focus on turning down global warming rather than turning up the heating.

It is anticipated that the Greens are about to propose a worldwide one hundred percent reduction in carbon emissions by Christmas and this has already been matched by China’s bold commitment not to open any more coal-fired power stations after 2030.

Malcolm is expected to pursue Tony’s climate policies with a lot more enthusiasm and less scepticism to emphasise that he’s not merely a carbon copy.

Security staff at the Summit have been strictly instructed not to admit terrorists, sceptics deniers, Trump or Abbott.

Islamic State has opted not to send any delegates because it is most unlikely they would make it out of the airport. However there is already wide awareness of their carbon emissions reduction policy which is the destruction of Western civilisation.

It is generally expected that the Conference will adopt a contingency plan to blame Al Gore if climate change turns out to be as elusive as Saddam Hussein’s WMDs.

Kevin and Julia are among the favourites to be inducted into climate change Hall of Fame. Kevin would be recognised for his brave pioneer work which proved conclusively that Pink Batts were about as effective against climate change as the pink ball used in the day-night test and Julia for her ground-breaking economic modelling which showed that it might be possible for an economy to function with carbon taxed at $23 a tonne provided you haven’t previously given a solemn undertaking that you wouldn’t dream of introducing it.

At this point Obama holds the view that climate change is a bigger world threat than terrorism but apart from religious fanatics in the climate change church there’s obviously nobody else in Paris who holds that view.

I’m sure there will some kind of cobbled-together agreement issued at the end of the Summit about action on reducing carbon emissions but questions still remain over whether China take any notice, will the average global family still be able to afford to eat as well as heat the home and will the next Climate Summit be held at the South Pole during a heatwave?

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About this Series
As one of Australia’s leading social commentators A Hole is always conscious of the need to avoid making an arse of himself. His commentaries are frequently compared to the material on the walls of public toilets although they don’t remain in the public consciousness anything like as long.

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