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Abbott into Abbattman

As Difficult as ABC

As Difficult as ABC

Friday 20 February, 2015
Abbattman goes on a challenging mission to persuade Tony Moans at the ABC that Tony Abbott has changed for the better when he’s actually getting worse.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just debating whether his nose needed a captain’s pick when the Abbattphone rang.

‘Abbattoperations has just posted a priority one mission’ said Bronnie who was duty officer at Abbattapad HQ ‘We have to accept the fact that it’s endemically impossible for you to change your non-collegial and non-consultative ways and so it’s absolutely vital that we persuade leading commentators that you actually have. Your Abbattmission is to convince Tony Moans at the ABC that you’ve become a cross between Paul Keating and John Howard with a touch of Gough thrown in’

Tony immediately seized on the critical insight behind this mission. It’s not whether he’d changed or not that was the issue it was rather he perceived whether the media and in particular the ABC said he had. He had no illusions about this mission being a pushover. Moans was an ABC fanatic who believed Tony was the only serious threat to Australia not caused by climate change. After some seriously in-depth brain bending with Abbattintelligence a plan finally evolved.

He picked up the Abbattbike from the Abbatt Service Centre, donned the Abbattgear, collected a cut lunch from the Abbattcanteen, waited upon Bronnie’s mission countdown and then zoomed off up the road to Sydney.

Having recently visited Mark Grot the head of the joint, Abbattman knew his way round the ABC fortress in Pyrmont and was soon accelerating the Abbattbike through Moans’ office door.

‘Oh hi Abbattman’ said Moans ‘I see you’ve taken advantage of my open door policy. However I must however re-iterate the view that your politics are wholly unsuitable for a gig as a panel member on Q&A. You must aspire to become more like Clive or the Greens’

‘Take heed Moans’ said Abbattman ‘it’s time you started informing your viewers about the remarkable change in Tony’

‘He hasn’t changed at all’ said Moans ‘in fact since he’s become chastened and collegial if anything he’s a bit worse’

‘But he’s dropped paid parental leave’ said Abbattman ‘and he’s abandoned all that bullshit about delivering a surplus’

‘He’s broken every promise he’s ever made’ said Moans ‘except those he’s kept like stopping the boats and axing the tax and they’re even worse than the broken ones’

‘Look I’m not expecting a lot’ said Abbattman ‘can’t you just explain that he’s miraculously transformed himself into a sensitive new age PM?’

‘The fact is’ responded Moans ‘he’s transforming himself into an insensitive stone-age neanderthal’

‘Ok here’s the deal’ said Abbattman ‘if you agree to co-operate I’ll persuade Tony to increase the ABC budget to fund a full return to your old gig on Lateline’

‘Oh Abbattman’ cried Moans ‘you’d do that for me? That’s wonderful. How would you like to replace Clive on Q&A next Monday?’

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About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

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