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Loud Reports from Tori Banger

Division of Labour

Division of Labour

Friday 19 August, 2016
Friday Mash’s seductive UK correspondent Tori Banger senses a major change in UK political affairs not least her own.
The story starts here...


I’m absolutely enthralled by the state of the UK Labour Party. I’ve never previously been tempted to have affairs with Labour politicians because I haven’t been in the least bit turned on by the prospect of joining a union with them. However I’m contemplating lying back and thinking of the great copy I could be about to file.

Despite the fact that Jeremy Corbyn is supported by only 40 members out of a parliamentary party of 230 there seems a reasonable chance he’ll get re-elected by Labour rank and file as party leader in the current protracted ballot leading to a split that will make the UK’s departure from the EU look like a small schism.

The consequence of such an outcome could well be a revolution within the parliamentary Labour Party that would be the first one in world history to be anti-Trotskyist.

This leads to the intriguing question of who will pick up the remaining pieces of the Party if Corbyn is re-elected and what will happen to the 172 MPs who voted against him in the recent party ballot? They have a number of non-Trotskyist options to choose from. They could form a new Social Democratic Party, become the UK branch of the SNP, quit serious politics and join the Lib Dems or quit politics altogether and join the Greens.

I have a further theory. I believe the 172 non-Trotskyist Labour MPs could in time join up with staunch Remain supporters among Tory MPs to form UKEP, the United Kingdom Euro Party, which would campaign for Britain to rejoin the EU.

This is a tremendously exciting prospect because Brexit only happened because fifty-two percent of the UK population who all live outside London had never heard about the EU and the nearest any of them had ever been to Europe was a walk down Great Yarmouth pier. There’s every chance that having been seduced by Brexit they could become just as excited about Tixerb, Brexit in reverse.

This development could even motivate Cameron and Osborne to re-engage seriously in politics and perhaps even become MEPs in Brussels.

Stand by for wonderfully disruptive developments if Corbyn gets re-elected which will shake the very foundations of Westminster. When they happen there will be so much pillow talk around you can be assured I won’t be sleeping on the job.


About this Series
This legendary UK correspondent has seduced her way into the bedrooms of political power. Her pillow peccadillos have given her a unique perspective on the affairs of state. Politicians find difficulty in concealing even their most private secrets from her because she features in most of them.

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