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Franglais Communiques

Divorce Proceedings

Divorce Proceedings

Friday 22 July, 2016
Hugo Morthanigo, Friday Mash’s distinguished EU correspondent, reflects on Brexit with Angel Merkel and in particular whether it’s possible to arrange psychiatric treatment for the UK on a national basis.
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Franglais by Hugo Morethanigo on Friday Mash

About once a month I catch up with Angela for a coffee just to chew things over and when we met last week I couldn’t help but notice how dispirited she seemed.

“Hi Ange” I said sympathetically “you seem to be really pissed about something”

“I’m just so hacked off with the UK” she exclaimed “first of all they give the EU the bum’s rush, then they dump that lovely man David, then they’re trying to unload Scotland onto us and now as their final folly they’ve appointed Boris as Foreign Secretary and he’s the guy who once referred to me as the Deutschland Dumpling”

“I see what you mean” I said consolingly “but Theresa May could be a fellow spirit”

“I doubt it” said Angela doubtfully “anyone who can appoint someone like Boris as Foreign Secretary obviously suffers from a warped sense of humour”

“Can’t you just ignore the UK” I suggested “and develop closer ties with other EU members?”

“Are you kidding?” expostulated Angela “We can’t ignore our biggest export market when closer ties with the likes of Greece, Portugal and Spain would be like chaining ourselves to the world’s greatest sinking fund”

“What would happen” I asked “if the UK prospered as a result of leaving the EU?”

“There would be an EU stampede towards the exit” replied Angela “Greece would arguably become the strongest economy remaining and I’d become head of GIP, the German Independence Party”

“What outcomes are you hoping to achieve” I asked “from the Brexit negotiations with the UK?”

“What I’m hoping for” replied Angela “is a solution that allows the UK to exit while everything else remains the same”

“But the UK won’t accept any refugees” I pointed out

“I know” responded Angela ‘but we’re working on the alternative concept of extended working holidays”

“Do you think there’s a chance” I asked “that Scotland will be allowed to remain in the EU after Brexit?”

“It’s possible” replied Angela “because by that time they’ll probably be the EU’s only remaining hope of providing funds for Greek bailouts”

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About this Series
Hugo is the doyen of EU political commentators who took Berlusconi to his first bunga bunga party and advised Francois Hollande that with his taste in women he should never get married. His special understanding of EU financial policies is the blessing bestowed by going bankrupt a few times.

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