Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

UK Election CamPAIN 2015

Don’t Take Me to Your Leader

Don’t Take Me to Your Leader

Friday 27 February, 2015
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s UK political correspondent, will be providing coverage of the UK election in her own inimitably seductive style. This week she assesses whether it would be worthwhile spending a politically dirty weekend with any of the party leaders.
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UK Election CamPAIN 2015
Nigel Farage is a sobering example of what can happen when the hopes, dreams and fears of the man in the street are confused with politics. It’s obvious that the average Brit regards membership of the EU as a bigger menace than climate change.

However the EU is a sacred cause of the Clegg cappuccino set so Nigel’s utterances on the subject are as politically incorrect as a forecast of the Conservatives winning a seat in Scotland.

Furthermore UKIPs prospects are severely limited by the consideration that if Nigel did succeed in extracting the UK from Brussels what the hell would he do next?

Ed Miliband is beset with two daunting problems. His leadership qualities are reminiscent of Cookie Monster and the Labour Party are going to lose all their seats in Scotland to the SNP.

This leaves Ed with three possible election outcomes, he’s stuffed, he’s forced into a coalition with the SNP and has to agree to another referendum on independence or he’s totally stuffed.

Even when I had a brief fling with David Cameron at Oxford it was obvious that he wouldn’t choose me to move into No. 10 with him. His main focus as prime minister has been preventing the EU from transforming the UK into a sort of Eastern Europe powered by the Greek economic model and becoming the sort of country where only the Royal Family can afford to send their kids to Eton.

He arguably deserves another term to complete his policy agenda through a bold plan to integrate the Bulgarians and Romanians by teaching them to play cricket and ensuring that George Osborne has no hope of moving next door.

It’s possible Alex Salmond could become prime minister after the election if the Labour Party are that desperate to be in a coalition government. His strategy however is more likely to become such a palpable pain-in-the-arse in the House of Commons that the government will see Scottish Independence as a welcome relief.

The optimum strategy for Nick Clegg at the election is an alliance with the Greens. Then the Lib Dems could offer fairies all over the garden not just at the bottom.

As usual I expect the election will ultimately be decided on sex appeal. That’s why I’m forecasting a very low turnout especially amongst women. I expect Alex Salmond to do very well in Scotland where they’re unaccountably turned on by hairy knees, I expect Nigel to cause unbounded excitement amongst Anglo-Saxon women over seventy, Ed Miliband will be left with the unions, Nick Clegg will appeal to women carbon neutrally without any spark but David is really the only party leader you could take home to meet mother.


About this Series
Tori Banger, Friday Mash’s UK political correspondent, will be providing coverage of the UK election in her own inimitably seductive style

View all articles in the UK Election CamPAIN 2015 Series
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