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Abbott into Abbattman

Driving the Green

Driving the Green

Friday 22 May, 2015
Abbattman goes on a daunting mission to try and coax the new Greens leader, Richard di Nokhasi, into mainstream politics.
The story starts here...

Abbattman - Tony Abbott super hero caricature

Tony Abbott was just about to sit down and enjoy reading the budget again when the Abbattphone rang.

“Abbattoperations has just posted an emergency mission” said Johnnie who was duty manager at Abbattapad HQ “Richard di Nokhasi the new leader of the Greens is in urgent need of guidance on how to react to the budget. We are afraid that if he just follows the party line his response could be as diabolically dick-headed as his predecessor. Your mission is to convince Nokhasi that budget surpluses don’t emit any more carbon than deficits”

Tony immediately met with Abbattintelligence to prep himself for the mission.

He knew that with political multiculturalism running rampant in the Senate considerable benefit could accrue from persuading the Greens to start taking politics seriously.

Once he was convinced that the Abbattintelligence analysis had evolved a strategy of sufficient breathtaking brilliance he applied himself assiduously to the pre-mission checklist, donned the Abbattgear, revved the Abbattbike, waited on the completion of Johnnie’s mission countdown and then pedalled furiously down to Parliament House.

The security detail there had given up on trying to prevent his incursions. He drove straight through the entrance hall, down the corridors and arrived at the desk in Nokhasi’s office a split second later than his office door.

This was Nokhasi’s first-ever Abbattman experience.

“Who the hell are you?” he asked

“I’m the people’s hero” replied Abbattman “who comes to the aid those in dire need like you for example who haven’t got a clue on how to react responsibly to the budget”

“On the contrary” said Nokhasi “I know exactly what to do about it. I’m going to tell Tony and Joe to go and stuff it up there surplus waste distribution outlets”

“Look” said Abbattman “someone in your position needs to take a more mature and responsible political perspective. Then one of these days if the Greens ever get their act together you could be leading a political party”

“The trouble with Abbott and Hockey” said Nokhasi “is that they see budget surpluses as a good thing while we Greens see them merely as a withholding of funding from people doing the hard yards on reducing carbon emissions by sitting on their arses all day”

“I have come to urge you” said Abbattman “to do the right thing by the country, the Greens and left-wing lunacy in general by agreeing to pass the budget in the Senate”

“No chance” said Nokhasi “because although Tony and Joe are yet to reveal the true colour of their budget I’m damned sure it isn’t Green”

“I am authorised to offer you a special deal as an incentive to pass the budget” said Abbattman “In return for your co-operation the government will agree to replace the toilets in Parliament House with solar-powered khasis”

“Ok” said Nokhasi “you have a deal but only if the solar khasi scheme doesn’t involve any loss of convenience”


About this Series
Tony Abbott’s alter ego was born out of an understanding that it would be disastrous to pursue most of his politically incorrect instincts as himself. The Abbattman persona allows him to commit assault and Abbattery on any Labor, Greens or PUP politician who richly deserves it without provoking people like Sarah Hanson Young to go into paroxysms of moral outrage.

View all articles in the Abbott into Abbattman Series
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