Offering a uniquely Australian perspective on the US Presidential election

Kerryman - the Hair Apparent

Ducking Donald

Ducking Donald

Friday 18 September, 2015
Obama and Biden believe Trump could be an even greater threat to the Democratic Party than Hillary but Kerryman reassures them that Hillary’s still in the pole position.
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Kerryman - The Hair Apparent personality FridayMash

“I can’t believe Trump” said Biden

“Me neither” said Obama “every time he abuses me his poll numbers go up”

“Me too” said Biden

“He called me the worst President since Jimmy Carter” said Obama “and his poll numbers soared and then he said he’d repeal Obamacare and they went off the charts”

“He claimed your landmark deal with Iran was an abject surrender” said Biden

“and guess what, even the Ayatollah said he’d vote for him”

“I just can’t figure it out” said Obama “here am I creating one of the greatest Presidencies in living memory and Trump is using it as one of his strongest arguments against politicians running the country’

“Unbelievable” said Biden

“If we don’t do something” said Obama “Trump will not only pillory Hillary but also consign all the great politicians who have held the Presidency to a supporting role in the House of Cards. Have you decided to run yet Joe?”

“Not yet” replied Biden “I’m still deciding whether I could survive repeated Trump trashings without becoming an endangered species”

“Do you think there’s any chance Kerryman will run?” asked Obama

“I wouldn’t think so” replied Biden “after all he made an absolute pillocks of it last time and as Secretary of State he hasn’t set the world on fire for which I suppose we can all be thankful”

“Nevertheless” said Obama “let’s get him in for a chat. He must be due to say something sensible”

When he got the call from the White House Kerryman was going absolutely hairless in a Geneva hair salon and just to make sure he got another trim during the trip home on the Hairoplane.

“Now look here Kerryman” said Obama “you’re the international expert so what do you make of the foreign object called Trump”

“He’s like the Bernie Madoff scheme” replied Kerryman “things will go brilliantly until everyone wants a payoff”

“How can we compete against him?” asked Obama “when every time he tramples on us he goes up in the polls?”

“Shower him with effusive praise” replied Kerryman “if he calls you a plonker President simply respond by calling him the greatest thing since Obamacare. The folks will soon get the message”

“Fascinating idea” said Obama “Tell me are you going to compete against Hillary for the nomination?”

“I’ve got no chance” replied Kerryman “since you made me do that dirty Iran deal”

“So Joe” said Obama “it looks like the fate of the Democratic Party rests with you”

‘I’ll only run” said Joe “if I can find some convincing way to blame Trump for Hillary which effectively puts an end to both of them’


About this Series
The Kerryman series tracks the career of a remarkable man who manages to combine the onerous duties of US Secretary of State with the desperate need to prevent himself becoming overgrown with hair by getting it cut at least twice a day. This probably explains why his barber has a bigger influence on US foreign policy than Obama.

View all articles in the Kerryman – Secretary in a State Series
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