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Dick Head Interviews

Dutton a Happy Face

Dutton a Happy Face

Friday 3 July, 2015
During his interview with Peter Dutton our distinguished Canberra correspondent Dick Head tries to establish whether being the source of such gloom is a natural talent or the result of constant exposure over many years to the leading players in the Killing Season.
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Dick Head Reports on FridayMash


The Dick Head Interview With Peter Dutton

“Tell me Peter” said Dick “what was your reaction to being universally acclaimed as the most crashingly boring person in Australian politics?”

“I was pleasantly surprised” replied Peter “particularly in the face of such strong competition from Kevin Andrews and of course it was fortuitous that Christine Milne has recently retired”

“What are the benefits of being a charisma-free zone?” asked Dick

“Well nobody can stand listening to you for very long” replied Peter “so when I speak I can safely leave all the unpalatable stuff till last”

“Why do you think Tony chose you as Minister of immigration?” asked Dick

“Because it’s a shit job where you are the constant bearer of bad news to the asylum seekers, people smugglers, the Labor Party and the Greens” replied Peter “and that demands someone like me with an overstated undertaker image”

“Is there a worry that because you’re so lugubrious and gloomy” asked Dick

“you put people off?”

“That’s one of my most valued features” replied Peter “There are many cases of asylum seekers who have volunteered to return home immediately after seeing a video message from me”

“How do you get on with your cabinet colleagues?” asked Dick

“Pretty well on the whole” replied Peter “although there have been cabinet meetings where I’ve made them so depressed that Malcolm had to start telling jokes like the one about Bill Shorten taking a truth-detector test”

“What impact does your political style have on the opposition?” asked Dick

“I’ve totally negated the negativity of Richard Marles the Labor Shadow Minister” replied Peter “because he’s only half as boring as I am and Sarah

Hanson Young gets very frustrated because even for her it’s difficult to be any more insulting about me than everybody else”

“It’s amazing that in a profession where charisma and oratory count for so much you’ve managed to cut through” commented Dick

“That’s because Tony realised” said Peter “I’d be an absolute disaster in jobs like Treasurer and Foreign Minister where it’s necessary to be cheerful but in Health and Immigration which are beset with unrelenting gloom the need is for a sad person like me”

“What you think is the future for you in the ministry?” asked Dick

“Probably in climate change” replied Peter “because when Tony’s accused of ignoring impending disasters he can point to the fact he’s appointed one of them as the Minister”

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About this Series
Dick’s outstanding career in political journalism owes much to recent advances in psychiatric treatment. In his role as a leading Canberra correspondent Dick enjoys an especially close rapport with all the leading politicians and the loony left because he’s met them all at the treatment centre.

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