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The Pudding Club Pontifications

Election Infection

Election Infection

Friday 30 January, 2015
Pudding Club discusses whether David Cameron will return to power or whether it will result in some tosspot taking over as PM who hasn’t been to Eton.
The story starts here...

Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera lunched at the Club last week on steak and kidney pudding washed down by a particularly robust Gigondas.

‘I say’ said His Lordship ‘I’m terribly worried about David’s chances in the upcoming election’

‘Whilst I agree with much of Nigel’s rhetoric’ said the General ‘there’s no question he has the potential to bugger things up for David most unbeneficially’

‘Alex Salmond’s a bigger threat’ said Sir Rah ‘the SNP could get forty seats north of the border and be in a position to form a coalition government with Miliband’

‘Let’s get this straight’ said His Lordship ‘you believe Miliband would consider forming a coalition with a party which could forever deny Labour the chance to govern in their own right?’

‘Of course’ said Sir Rah ‘the chance to become PM doesn’t happen for morons like Miliband all that often’

‘So what if Miliband and the SNP come to power’ asked His Lordship ‘and the SNP introduces a bill into parliament to secure Scottish independence?’

‘There would produce a major split in the Coalition’ said Sir Rah ‘and Miliband would have to save his arse by granting concessions to Scotland which would make them all but independent or by making them wholly independent by changing the UK’s name to Scotland’

‘It’s an absolutely outrage’ said the General ‘that anyone intent on trashing the UK should be allowed to tarnish the House of Commons’

‘It’s only like Nigel getting elected to the EU Parliament’ said Sir Rah

‘There’s a huge difference’ protested the General ‘between pissing off the EU and getting pissed off by Scotland’

‘The question is’ said His Lordship ‘what are we going to do about it?’

‘The only chance David’s got of gaining power in his own right’ said Sir Rah ‘is by stopping all immigration from Eastern Europe’

‘Or by sending our entire prison population’ said the General ‘to go and live in Eastern Europe on an exchange programme’

‘I think Nigel’s the key’ said His Lordship ‘he’s got to pick up a swag of seats from labour and the Lib Dems and form a coalition with David’

‘I’ve just had a brilliant idea’ cried the General ‘the election and the referendum on EU membership should be held at the same time. The public would vote for Nigel in droves’

‘The trouble with that’ said Sir Rah ‘is that we could end up with Nigel as PM and that would be like a bus driver at the controls of a 747’

‘I’ll have a word with David as soon as possible’ said His Lordship ‘obviously I have to alert him to the dangers of staying in the EU given the prospect of the Syriza Party taking over in Brussels. Further I shall advise him to announce Scottish independence from 2050 by which time North Sea oil will have run out and they’ll be begging to stay in the UK’

‘That should stuff Alex Salmond, Nigel and Miliband’ said Sir Rah ‘but we’ve got to factor in the possibility of Nick Clegg being resurrected at Easter’

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About this Series
Located on the fashionable side of Pall Mall the Club is famous for counting some of the UK’s greatest political intellects among its members. Lord Noes, General Alarm and Sir Rah Sera convene there regularly to create the brilliant insights which David relies on so much to keep the ship of state on course.

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