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Emitting the ETS

Emitting the ETS

Friday 28 November, 2014
Guy the Friday Mash Superfly was on a wall in Bill Shorten’s office when Tanya Plibersek came in to discuss Labor’s climate change policy. Here is his exclusive account of their engaging exchange.
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Guy the FridayMash Superfly

Buzz from Fly on the Wall

‘Obama did us a huge favour at the G20’ said Tanya ‘he really kicked Abbott’s arse over climate change’

‘I know’ said Bill ‘up to that point I was worried that the G20 might be a triumph for Abbott and he’d come out of it looking like a world leader’

‘He couldn’t lead a member of the NSW Coalition’ said Tanya ‘to a contribution from a property developer’

‘I was disappointed though’ said Bill ‘that Obama didn’t mention anything about introducing an ETS’

‘I understand however that President Xi’ said Tanya ‘has announced the sensational news that China will consider introducing one in 2050’

‘The question is’ said Bill ‘where does that leave our plan to take an ETS policy to the next election?’

‘It is our chance to lead the world again on carbon pricing’ replied Tanya

‘But our main game’ said Bill ‘is to lead Australia rather than the world and we have to face the fact that globally the ETS concept is about as popular as Clive Palmer at a Jacqui Lambie fan club meeting and everyone’s into Direct Action with Abbott’

‘Trusting a screwball climate change sceptic like Abbott’ said Tanya ‘to show the world the way to a carbon neutral future is like making Scott Morrison the supremo of people-smuggling’

‘We have to face facts however’ said Bill ‘the ETS in the EU has been about as successful as the Malaysian Solution, the one in NZ is only slightly more active than the version Clive is proposing and only Christine Milne knows where all the others are and you know how delusional she can be’

‘But surely’ said Tanya ‘it would be a tragedy to betray the proud heritage of Julia’s broken carbon tax promise’

‘I’ve already done that’ said Bill ‘when I stabbed her’

‘I’m not yet ready to sell my soul to direct action’ said Tanya ‘I’m still planning to trade it for carbon credits’

‘Ok’ said Bill ‘here’s my plan. We’re bound to win the next election because Abbott’s so unpopular. So it won’t affect the result if I promise to introduce carbon pricing but I’ll renege on the deal after we’ve won. That will be the exact opposite of what Julia did so it’s bound to be popular’

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About this Series
Having stuck with a fly paper for many years Guy has become a celebrated political reporter through his unique ability to locate himself on the walls the prominent and powerful and listen in to their conversations. He is always careful to take with him a fly-spray early warning detector.

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